“Lane stinks, there’s just no two ways about it,” said Father Olor Fresco, CEO (Chief Exorcism Officer) of Odor Exorcism, the start-up odor eliminator manufacturer.

“When you have that kind of malfeasance leave your program, it leaves a stink. And frankly, a regular odor eliminator just won’t do,” Father Fresco told CFB New Now via Zoom early Monday morning.

The college football world hasn’t been rocked by a coaching departure like this since Lincoln Riley left Oklahoma suddenly for USC a few seasons ago. CFB News Now asked Father Fresco why Odor Exorcism didn’t deploy a “Lincoln Stinks” coupon campaign for Oklahoma fans during that high-profile exit.

“We hadn’t launched yet,” Father Fresco said. “But you can bet your bottom dollar we would have if we’d been around,” Father Fresco concluded.

Documented via Instagram, the sign was apparently swapped out more than four weeks ago after the team’s 0-2 start prompted Fight Irish faithful to reflect on how to right the ship. Odor Exorcism apparently decided it was time to take Notre Dame’s iconic sign up to another level—and enjoy some shameless self-promotion in the process.

“We got in there kind of in the middle of the night,” said Odor Exorcism’s CEO (Chief Exorcism Officer) Father Olor Fresco via Zoom early Saturday morning. “And the way we look at it, ‘Exorcist’ is the highest honor in Catholicism, so we just wanted to do our part to inspire these guys to elevate their play. Apparently it worked,” Fresco concluded.

“It’s kinda nice,” said Notre Dame head football coach Marcus Freeman. “We thought about replacing it, but we’re undefeated since the change, so I think we’re just going to go ahead and leave it until the winning streak ends,” Freeman texted CFB News Now on Saturday.

“It would have been a blockbuster,” said Shannon Person, the TMZ journalist who spearheaded the investigation.

“I can understand why HBO was pushing so hard for it: legendary NFL coach at a new school, beautiful, age-appropriate girlfriend. The star power was just off the charts,” said Person via Zoom.

“They had it all planned out, too. Drake Maye was going to officiate, Tom Brady was set to be Bill’s best man. Sunset in the fall, Carolina Blue everywhere. Bill in an argyle hoody suit, I mean, can you imagine? Alas, it was not meant to be…” Person quietly lamented.

Why were the parties not able to come to an agreement? And was anything else proposed?

“Proposed is exactly right, that was the next line of thinking. After the wedding storyline got 86’d, HBO came back and said, ‘Okay, what if Miss Hudson got on one knee and proposed to Coach Belichick during the season finale?’ Coach and Jordan batted that one around for a while, too, but ultimately declined the proposal idea as well,” Person said.

“At the end of the day, Bill and Jordan are all about the Xs and Os. They don’t want any distractions to take away from the historic year North Carolina Football is about to have, even if that means kiboshing the dream wedding spectacle of the season,” concluded Person.

“The president promised an end to DEI, illegal protesting, and liberal indoctrination more generally. Nowhere are those movements more entrenched than academia. Ivy League schools are ground zero for wokeness, as they have effectively become propaganda brainwashing machines for the corrupt democrat (sic) party, as evidenced by the pro-Palestine protests that have transpired on Columbia’s campus,” said Trump’s press secretary Karoline Leavitt on Sunday from the James S. Brady Press Briefing Room in the West Wing.

“The American people are tired of wokeness and all of its excesses. If the liberal students are going to protest, then they’re going to pay for it at the ticket office when it comes time to gain entrance to their beloved Columbia Lions football games this fall. That should give the dozens of students who attend home football games and who are also thinking of illegally protesting some pause before doing so,” Leavitt continued.

When asked if the administration’s focus on combatting and punishing those who indulge in anti-semitism included any kind of formal repercussions for Elon Musk’s latest expression of Hitler minimization, Leavitt ignored the question and moved on.

“It was really a sight to behold,” said Cal Athletic Director Jim Knowlton via FaceTime early Saturday morning.

“It was a fun event, overall, very well-attended and cathartic for this community. Antifa even made an appearance, which was great to see, those guys are doing well,” Knowlton continued.

The event—which was free to attend and promoted across all of Cal Football’s social media channels—also featured “rage” booths where attendees could paint swastikas on the sides of the vehicles and break their windows before setting them aflame.

“Look, Musk’s spiral into right-wing troll has only accelerated. First the salutes, then just yesterday, he re-tweeted some Nazi-sympathy propaganda, so it’s clear at this point bumper stickers aren’t enough. If the University of California and its athletics programs are going to broadcast our virtues to the rest of the world, we needed to take things up another notch,” Knowlton said.

Now that its equipment fleet has been destroyed, what’s the gameplan for replacing the incinerated Teslas? Knowlton and Cal have a plan for that, too.

“We also did a survey of around 200 attendees to get some insights into which Chinese EV manufacturer they would like to see hauling the equipment around next season, and the results were conclusive: Polestar. So, that’s who we’ll be placing an order with in early summer,” Knowlton said before logging off.

“We’re close,” said one Oregon football staffer on deep background via Zoom late Wednesday night.

“But the truth is, we’re in an equipment and facilities arms race here, and we’re losing,” the staffer told CFB News Now.

Oregon’s Hatfield-Dowlin Complex—already considered one of the most impressive structures in collegiate athletics—is currently under construction on an expansion project called 2.MO. According to Lanning and our anonymous source, 2.MO isn’t quite enough.

“Do these players have personalized hover boards? No, they still have to walk between the facilities. And outdoors, no less. Does each player have their own spa and tailored relaxation regimen? No, they don’t. So, as you can see, we’ve made progress, but we still have a ways to go,” the staffer said.

Are these types of amenities really what’s holding Oregon back from taking that next step? Absolutely, said our source.

“The coaching, the community support, it’s always been there. But until these players feel like they are on perpetual vacation at the White Lotus—24 hours a day, 365 days per year—I just don’t see this program taking the next step,” our source concluded.

“You can see me? But you’re in Texas? By what magic does this device operate?” asked William Johnson upon joining the FaceTime.

“When I boarded The Machine—and just before closing mine eyes—a newspaper did appear before me which read, ‘Yale wins again! Long may the Bulldogs reign!!!’ after rightfully claiming its sixth national championship in seven seasons. I was of the belief that things would be altered—even drastically so—but it was certainly beyond my estimations that things could change this much,” Johnson said.

CFB News Now took it upon itself to inform Johnson of the myriad changes that have occurred to the game of college football in the intervening 130 years, including the introduction of the forward pass—which was met with an audible gasp from the time-traveller—the evolution of safety equipment, bowl games, racial integration, the emergence (and then recession) of the BCS, the emergence of the dominant south, Alabama’s 12-20 national championships, Nick Saban, skyrocketing coaching salaries, the College Football Playoff, and of course, NIL and the transfer portal.

“I beg your pardon,” Johnson said after a long pause, “but it no longer sounds like the same game that Coach Walter Camp introduced,” Johnson said before dropping the phone and fainting.

“Do they taste as good? No, but they’re a little healthier, and for the gluten-free crowd, this is long overdue,” said Drew Ingraham, Texas Tech’s Associate Athletics Director of Communications & Marketing via Slack Huddle on Wednesday.

The tortillas, supplied by Lubbock-based El Molino Tortilla Factory, will come in packs of six and 12.

“Here’s the deal: flour tortillas are a little heavier, having been made from lard, so that’s going to be the superior option on windy days. Which, as anyone who’s watched a game in the Texas High Planes knows, the wind can really kick up around here.”

“On the other hand, corn tortillas have better rotational velocity, so they’ll go farther than flour with less deviation from the initial tossing vector,” Ingraham said.

“Based on data from years past, we know that roughly half of the tortillas get eaten by fans and the other half end up on the field. Occasionally, even those that end up on the field get eaten anyway,” said Ingraham, referring to an unfortunate incident in 2024 in which a Colorado Buffaloes staffer ended up consuming a tortilla which had spent a good portion of the second half of the game in Travis Hunter’s game pants.

Those wondering about the optics of such a considerate move at a university which made headlines last year for a notable show of conservatism on the part of one of its players need not worry; the new gluten-free option doesn’t mean Tech is going “woke.”

“We’ve got a good balance of viewpoints at this school, and heck, even republicans have dietary restrictions,” Ingraham concluded.

“Jordan’s a Tampa 2 convert,” said Jessica Hryn, Public Communications Specialist for the UNC football program via Google Hangouts early Tuesday morning.

“That was all she knew growing up in the early 2000s. Then in middle school—about the time the Patriots were notching their fourth and fifth Super Bowl wins—a ruggedly handsome, hoodie-wearing head coach caught her eye, and so did his one-of-a-kind defensive approach. It was then that she really became a student of the game,” Hryn said.

So is the couple’s love for Cover 1 and its “Divider and Position Maintenance” concepts iron-clad? Absolutely not, says Hryn.

“They’re completely aligned, and that includes a defensive approach that allows for flexibility,” Hryn said.

“Look, Cover 1 is the base, and will continue to be the base defense here, but Bill’s approach was always about fluidity, about freedom. Play to your strengths, design the scheme to match your personnel and stifle that specific opponent. The Patriots always led the league in Cover 1 usage, but they weren’t afraid to switch into Match Quarters, Nickel Zone, or Closed Side Fire Zone when the situation demanded it. And Jordan totally agrees, she was able to bring in-depth knowledge about some pretty advanced concepts that were well beyond her years,” Hryn says.

“At the end of the day, many people have asked, ‘What could Bill possibly see in a partner 48 years his junior?’ I think this deluge of information answers that question emphatically: a beautiful football mind,” Hryn concluded.

“At around 2 am this morning, police in Los Angeles, Lincoln, Austin, and Columbus were alerted to a disturbance in the already muted spring agenda for college football activities,” said FBI’s Deputy Chief Melissa Overton during a briefing held on Zoom early Monday morning.

“All of the spring games across the country are falling, one-by-one, and so it’s safe to say, the spring game is dead at this point,” Overton confirmed to audible gasps from those left unmuted on the Zoom call.

Was this an isolated incident? And did the assailant act alone, or were there co-conspirators? Details were scant, and Overton was only willing to speculate.

“At this time, and based on the evidence that we have accumulated, we can say with certainty that NIL and the transfer portal are the prime suspects. We received a tip that perhaps the duration of the modern college football season—which has been significantly prolonged due to the new CFP format—might have been involved, but our initial probe has cleared duration of any wrongdoing, which has a solid alibi for its whereabouts during the time in question,” Overton continued.

So what’s left? And what will replace the spring game during the month of April for most college football programs?

“Ohio State is experimenting with a ‘Spring Showcase,’ the contents of which are not clear at this time. Most programs are dropping any kind of spring football activities whatsoever. We can say with 100% assurance that Deion Sanders won’t be using the open Saturday to conduct a recruiting visit,” Overtone concluded before ending the call.

“We’re just not going to endanger our Longhorns like that,” Sarkisian said via remote Zoom interview early Saturday morning.

“And this is Texas, after all, so we’re busting out the big guns, literally,” Sarkisian said holding up an AR-15 to the laptop camera. The burnt orange weapon was emblazoned with a Longhorn logo on the handle.

The task force, known as the Bovine Guardians, were made famous by their defense of the world’s loan remaining Northern White Rhino. Now, they’ll be protecting a completely different kind of horned creature, a task of similar importance to Longhorn faithful across the state.

“Those guys are seasoned veterans, they know what to do. We basically said, ‘Hey, keep an eye on any suspicious traffic you see coming down I-35, especially from the north.’ We wouldn’t put it past the Sooners to send confederates down here to try to snag some of the young or sick amongst our herd. I mean, remember Brenen and Casey Thompson?” Sarkisian concluded emphatically.

A call to Texas A&M head coach Mike Elko went unanswered, but was followed up shortly thereafter with text message which read, “You know, there’s one other thing they could do to prevent poaching: saw ’em off. #gigem,” Elko said succinctly.

“People don’t know this, but Matt was a No. 1 pencil guy for his entire tenure in New England. He dabbled with a No. 4 for a hot minute in Detroit, but now, coming back to college, he’s finally making the move to No. 2. Which, of course, is no indication of where he hopes to help the Buckeyes finish this or any season he’s a part of the program,” said Jerry Emig, Ohio State’s Associate Athletic Director of Communications via Google Hangouts early Thursday morning.

What’s informing the change, then? Emig said a number of factors played into the decision.

“First things first, he had to think about availability, he had to think about supply. No. 2 pencils are the definitive required pencil for scantron tests across the entire university world, and so with his return to college, shifting to No. 2 felt natural. He knows there will always be an abundance of No. 2s on and around campus on game days,” Emig said.

“Beyond that, the No. 2 pencil is kind of the perfect hybrid pencil. Nice mix of graphite and clay, so it’s sturdy enough to be reliable, but it can be used for some light sketching, were there ever a game situation that demanded it,” Emig concluded.