“It would have been a blockbuster,” said Shannon Person, the TMZ journalist who spearheaded the investigation.

“I can understand why HBO was pushing so hard for it: legendary NFL coach at a new school, beautiful, age-appropriate girlfriend. The star power was just off the charts,” said Person via Zoom.

“They had it all planned out, too. Drake Maye was going to officiate, Tom Brady was set to be Bill’s best man. Sunset in the fall, Carolina Blue everywhere. Bill in an argyle hoody suit, I mean, can you imagine? Alas, it was not meant to be…” Person quietly lamented.

Why were the parties not able to come to an agreement? And was anything else proposed?

“Proposed is exactly right, that was the next line of thinking. After the wedding storyline got 86’d, HBO came back and said, ‘Okay, what if Miss Hudson got on one knee and proposed to Coach Belichick during the season finale?’ Coach and Jordan batted that one around for a while, too, but ultimately declined the proposal idea as well,” Person said.

“At the end of the day, Bill and Jordan are all about the Xs and Os. They don’t want any distractions to take away from the historic year North Carolina Football is about to have, even if that means kiboshing the dream wedding spectacle of the season,” concluded Person.

“It was really a sight to behold,” said Cal Athletic Director Jim Knowlton via FaceTime early Saturday morning.

“It was a fun event, overall, very well-attended and cathartic for this community. Antifa even made an appearance, which was great to see, those guys are doing well,” Knowlton continued.

The event—which was free to attend and promoted across all of Cal Football’s social media channels—also featured “rage” booths where attendees could paint swastikas on the sides of the vehicles and break their windows before setting them aflame.

“Look, Musk’s spiral into right-wing troll has only accelerated. First the salutes, then just yesterday, he re-tweeted some Nazi-sympathy propaganda, so it’s clear at this point bumper stickers aren’t enough. If the University of California and its athletics programs are going to broadcast our virtues to the rest of the world, we needed to take things up another notch,” Knowlton said.

Now that its equipment fleet has been destroyed, what’s the gameplan for replacing the incinerated Teslas? Knowlton and Cal have a plan for that, too.

“We also did a survey of around 200 attendees to get some insights into which Chinese EV manufacturer they would like to see hauling the equipment around next season, and the results were conclusive: Polestar. So, that’s who we’ll be placing an order with in early summer,” Knowlton said before logging off.

“Jordan’s a Tampa 2 convert,” said Jessica Hryn, Public Communications Specialist for the UNC football program via Google Hangouts early Tuesday morning.

“That was all she knew growing up in the early 2000s. Then in middle school—about the time the Patriots were notching their fourth and fifth Super Bowl wins—a ruggedly handsome, hoodie-wearing head coach caught her eye, and so did his one-of-a-kind defensive approach. It was then that she really became a student of the game,” Hryn said.

So is the couple’s love for Cover 1 and its “Divider and Position Maintenance” concepts iron-clad? Absolutely not, says Hryn.

“They’re completely aligned, and that includes a defensive approach that allows for flexibility,” Hryn said.

“Look, Cover 1 is the base, and will continue to be the base defense here, but Bill’s approach was always about fluidity, about freedom. Play to your strengths, design the scheme to match your personnel and stifle that specific opponent. The Patriots always led the league in Cover 1 usage, but they weren’t afraid to switch into Match Quarters, Nickel Zone, or Closed Side Fire Zone when the situation demanded it. And Jordan totally agrees, she was able to bring in-depth knowledge about some pretty advanced concepts that were well beyond her years,” Hryn says.

“At the end of the day, many people have asked, ‘What could Bill possibly see in a partner 48 years his junior?’ I think this deluge of information answers that question emphatically: a beautiful football mind,” Hryn concluded.

“At this point, Cam’s achieved more than anyone in his family or any of the three teams he’s played on would have ever dreamed,” said Josh White, Associate Director of Communications for Miami Football via Zoom early on Monday morning.

“He has nothing left to prove at this level,” White continued.

Can all of Ward’s family count him out for any future leisurely rounds of catch, our staff inquired? That depends, White said.

“If it was his son, or even his favorite niece, maybe,” White said.

“Look, Cam has a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to play football at the next level. He’s taking preparation for the next phase of his career very seriously, and he‘s hopeful his family and teammates can understand and respect that,” White concluded.

“It’s the only explanation for why the sarcastic tweets stopped,” said an ACC deputy conference commissioner on deep background via telephone call early on Sunday morning.

“Clearly, if Kiffin was being intellectually consistent—as he always tends to be—he would have continued lambasting the CFP for poor selections when it became clear that even conference peer Tennessee was in for a world-class ass-kicking by 8-seed Ohio State. The only explanation that makes sense is that he couldn’t locate his phone,” our source speculated.

Where does she think Kiffin’s phone got lost? There are a number of possibilities, our source said.

“The couch is the obvious one, and so if I were Kiffin, I would start my search there. He also could have dropped his phone in a bowl of tomato soup, which is a cozy winter time meal to eat while watching football. He may have dropped the phone while jumping up and cheering for Tennessee. Anything is possible,” our source concluded.

Emails to Kiffin and his wife Layla weren’t returned, but updates will be published as they develop.

“These fans have showed that they’re not afraid to make their voices heard—and their water bottles felt,” said Brian Womack, Texas’ Assistant Athletics Director, Facilities and Operations.

“We got caught with our pants down against Georgia, but that‘s not happening again,” Womack said. “If these people are going to throw trash on the field, we’re going to be damn sure that trash lands in the correct receptacle.”

Will there be penalties actually enforced for trash-throwing fans on Saturday? Not if they make it in the bins—and effectively get the calls overturned, said Womack.

“A home-field advantage is only valuable if it actually impacts the outcome of the game. So as long as they make the bottles and cans in the dumpster, and the refs have enough time to reflect on their errors, we’re going to let is slide,” Womack concluded.

“And lastly, to the College Football Playoff selection committee, I implore you: consider what the new 12-team format has done to the game. Has it made crowning a champion any simpler or easier?

12 is a fairly awkward number of contenders to assemble to decide a national champion. Six made more sense, eight at the most. You could go to sixteen, but then at that point, it would be incumbent upon anyone who cares about the game to advocate for the elimination of conference championships.

Whatever tweaks you make, we should never have to choose between a conference championship game participant (SMU) and a Bama team that just got smoked by three touchdowns by a (bad) Oklahoma squad. (Thank you for doing what was right this year and keeping Bama out.)”

CFB News Now is in full compliance with authorities and will provide access to additional materials as the investigation demands.

“He’s all in…if she gets in,” said one UNC athletic administrator on the condition of anonymity.

“At his age, Bill is concerned about convenience, so he wanted to be sure wherever he coached next, he would be able to pick Jordon up after class without too much of a drive.”

So what are we waiting on, then? Well, apparently Ms. Hudson hasn’t been granted admission, yet.

“The School of Nursing is a competitive one, and so we’re not 100% sure she qualifies academically. So, we’re waiting on some additional references—as well as personal guarantees from Ms. Hudson—to ensure Jordon has what it takes be a Tar Heel’r,” the anonymous administrator continued. “If all else fails, the athletic department has tutoring resources Coach Belichick and Ms. Hudson can use as needed,” our source concluded.

“We’re looking at some things, maybe an electric fence that automatically deploys as soon as the clock strikes zero,” said North Carolina’s Director of Field & Turf Conditions Nate Bloomfield. “What little research I’ve done on the matter indicates that those are effective against wolves, so that’s what we’re trying first.”

“Not to get too medieval,” said Kelly Anderson, Ohio State’s Director of Competitive Surfaces, “but we’re looking at some kind of spiked, metal thong-like device, almost like a chastity belt for the field. Something like that to protect the logo’s virtue from those Michigan Men could work.”

“Do we even still have a team?” Asked Florida State’s Facilities & Equipment Manager Scott Addison.

“Until Jimbo’s buyout is done, we’re on a budget freeze. The Longhorns can do whatever they want to the field,” said Texas A&M’s Head of Stadium Conditions Kevin Dunmeister.

Senior Associate Athletic Director Robbi Evans confirmed that Brown couldn’t immediately be located to be told of his termination yesterday, but was later located in the equipment closet curled up in a fetal position and clutching a small Vince Young statuette, whimpering softly and muttering repeatedly to himself “Miss you…miss you…miss you…”

“He’s really beat up about how tenure #2 went here. He did such a good job the first-go round, which obviously allowed him to get the gig down in Austin. He thought when he came back, he’d be able to find that once-in-a-generation talent again to build a program around, and he simply hasn’t been able to do that,” said Evans.

Brown wasn’t made available for comment, but athletic administrators say he is now aware of the news. We’re told he spent the remainder of Monday resting and watching re-runs of the 2005 National Championship game.

“I’m just so proud of these guys,” said Mike Norvell in the post game press conference, head coach for the Seminoles. “This whole week we just preached, ‘Believe, believe, believe,’ and it’s clear that message really resonated with them.”

When asked why the offense—which only generated two field goals against an empty Bobby Bowden field—still seemed to be stuck in neutral, Norvell remained focused on the big picture.

“Look, a W is a W. We saw some things out there that we still need to work on, but overall, we were pleased with the effort and the execution on Saturday. Now we’re focused exclusively on Charleston and Florida after that,” Norvell concluded.

“Okay, personnel change announcements here at the end,” said Mike Norvell during Monday’s post-practice media availability, “in addition to Alex Atkins and Adam Fuller, we’re going to be moving on from Julie Ross, head trainer in charge of hydration. You also won’t be seeing Rex, the tee retriever dog anymore. We thank these two for all they’ve contributed to Florida State throughout the years, and we wish them the best.”

When asked who would be serving as replacements, Norvell said it would be a team effort.

“For water, we’re going to be having some scout team guys be in charge. As for retrieving the tee, that responsibility falls on DJ going forward.”