“Do they taste as good? No, but they’re a little healthier, and for the gluten-free crowd, this is long overdue,” said Drew Ingraham, Texas Tech’s Associate Athletics Director of Communications & Marketing via Slack Huddle on Wednesday.

The tortillas, supplied by Lubbock-based El Molino Tortilla Factory, will come in packs of six and 12.

“Here’s the deal: flour tortillas are a little heavier, having been made from lard, so that’s going to be the superior option on windy days. Which, as anyone who’s watched a game in the Texas High Planes knows, the wind can really kick up around here.”

“On the other hand, corn tortillas have better rotational velocity, so they’ll go farther than flour with less deviation from the initial tossing vector,” Ingraham said.

“Based on data from years past, we know that roughly half of the tortillas get eaten by fans and the other half end up on the field. Occasionally, even those that end up on the field get eaten anyway,” said Ingraham, referring to an unfortunate incident in 2024 in which a Colorado Buffaloes staffer ended up consuming a tortilla which had spent a good portion of the second half of the game in Travis Hunter’s game pants.

Those wondering about the optics of such a considerate move at a university which made headlines last year for a notable show of conservatism on the part of one of its players need not worry; the new gluten-free option doesn’t mean Tech is going “woke.”

“We’ve got a good balance of viewpoints at this school, and heck, even republicans have dietary restrictions,” Ingraham concluded.

“Nearly 300 yards of total offense (including yards rushing, receiving, and passing)? Vomiting on the sidelines between quarters? Scrapping and clawing for every inch for nearly four hours? I thought I was watching John McClane crawl over broken glass through an air conditioning duct to throw Hans Gruber out of a window at Nakatomi Plaza,” said Die Hard producer Joel Silver via Zoom on Sunday evening.

“We’re excited to have him on board because he’s LIVED it, he knows what it’s like to take nearly endless punishment—and keep going—for a whole night. Cam Skattebo knows what it means to die hard.”

What’s the plot of the forthcoming action flick? Silver says that’s still up in the air, but that having Skattebo on board might change the scope a bit.

“It’d be fun to see if we can work some kind of 4th down conversion into the story, or a showdown that happens on the field of Mercedes-Benz Stadium in Atlanta. Something where Cam’s expertise can really shine,” Silver concluded.

“Is it unprecedented? Yes. Is it impossible? We don’t believe so,” said Thomas Stepp, Director of Communications for football via landline telephone on Tuesday.

“They say there’s not enough room for a mascot of his size…well, we’re going to make them say there’s not enough room for a press member of his size,” Stepp continued.

Stepp pointed out that Uga was welcome with open arms at the SEC Championship game in early December, and Sparky the Sun Devil has gotten no push-back either.

“It’s unfortunate that it’s come to this, but this is where we are: desperate times call for desperate measures,” Stepp continued. “What are we supposed to think at this stage except that the Mercedes-Benz Stadium leadership are staunchly anti-bovine,” Stepp concluded.

“It’s sad,” said star running back Cam Skattebo via Instagram chat late on Tuesday night.

“Coach called ahead and made sure the clergy knew Sparky was going to be there, but they still wouldn’t let him in. It’s just sad that in 2024, this is where we are,” the All-American said.

Sparky the Sun Devil, who doesn’t speak, wasn’t immediately available for comment, but the Sun Devils’ head coach Kenny Dillingham said the mascot was deeply affected by the denial.

“He’s pretty beat up about it, but sadly, he’s used to being judged for who he is at this stage,” the 34-year old first-time CFP head coach said via iOS message on Tuesday. “You gotta ask yourself though: would this happen to Duke or DePaul? I don’t know the answer to that,” Dillingham exclaimed.

“We’re looking at alternatives for next season. I respect Mount Carmel’s decision, they are a pillar of this community, but at the end of the day, we’re not a complete team unless all of our team is welcome,” Dillingham concluded.

“You have two very different kinds of players here, one plays receiver and cornerback, the other is an every down running back,” said one Heisman voter on deep background via Zoom early Sunday morning. “So we had to ask ourselves, in what statistical category was there overlap? The answer was one: the pose.”

When reminded that Ashton Jeanty led the nation in virtually every rushing statistic, our source brushed it off.

“Yeah, but he was only posing after those trademark 70-yard touchdown runs. By the end of the season, Travis was doing the Heisman after first downs, PIs, he even did one after dropping a pass from Shedeur,” the voter continued. “It was really a masterclass in marketing. If you caught any portion of any one of Colorado’s games this year, you were bombarded by images of Hunter striking the pose. For us Heisman voters, by year’s end, that was difficult to ignore,” our source concluded.

“He was really belting it out, it was great,” said Ashley Williams—a Morgantown resident and karaoke veteran—via RingCentral remote meeting on Saturday morning, who witnessed the impromptu singing session.

“The other great part was, he really mixed up his voice types. So, he did a couple of renditions as a baritone—which is undoubtedly his natural singing pitch—but then he also knocked out a falsetto version! Which was amazing to witness live. People couldn’t get enough,” Williams said.

Did anyone ever get tired of hearing the John Denver classic? Not at all, said Williams.

“It’s timeless, and around here, it’s fundamental to life in Morgantown. You hear that song waiting on hold with the local electric company, you hear it in elevators, et cetera. We never even thought of changing it up,” Williams concluded.

“That span was just blank, there was nothing there. We asked what he’d been up to since he left UCF, and he didn’t really have a good answer. Said he did some traveling, went home for a while, visited some old friends, but just generally didn’t compete, didn’t coach, just took some time. So, ‘vague’ might be the best way to classify his response,” said UCF Athletic Director Terry Mohajir.

Was the coaching sabbatical an issue for Mohajir and the Golden Knights football program? Not really, said the Orlando-based AD.

“It was a bit of a hang up at first, but ultimately, the memory of that undefeated 2017 season was just too enticing for us to ignore, so we’re excited to move forward. Whatever happened since 2017 is his business,” Mohajir concluded.

“Turkey got too close, it was like crowding Shedeur up against the stuffing table, and Shedeur lost his cool,” said our source on deep background.

“Later though, Shedeur realized it wasn’t the turkey, it was his older brother Deion ‘Bucky’ Sanders Jr. So, Shedeur and the turkey were good, and in fact, he ate one of the legs when he came back for seconds.”

What about Travis Hunter, the odds-on favorite to take home this year’s Heisman Trophy?

“He’s got one thing on his mind right now, and that’s bringing home the hardware. He spent most of the day stealing rolls off people’s plates, and going ‘Pick six!’ while doing the Heisman and then running off. People were pretty tired of it by the time we got to the pumpkin pie,” our source concluded.

“May 9th. 2025. Vegas. She’s. Going. Down.” Said a caption overlaid on top of video of Paul shadowboxing a printed-out image of Coppom in the back yard of his Puerto Rico villa.

“A lot of people don’t know this, but she’s pretty athletic,” said Coppom’s new trainer Art Bonafacio. “She’s got a long, storied history of kicking ass in back yard croquet. And before her hip replacement, she was always a first-round draft pick for potato sack races at the retirement home. She’s got that ‘It’ factor, for sure,” Bonafacio continued.

When asked about her fighting experience, Bonafacio clarified.

“She’s actually never been in a fight, unless you count that skirmish she had with her bridge partner Gertrude last October,” Bonafacio concluded.

“He’s just a dynamic guy, what can I say?” said BYU professor of theological scripture Alonzo Gaskill via Google Hangouts early Thursday morning.

“To come in here, and do what he’s done, is opening up a lot of doors for him. He obviously already had Gan Eden locked up, and even just being on the football team made the Terrestrial Kingdom a likely landing spot. But with the Cougs 10-0? He’s got a real shot at the Celestial Kingdom, which is obviously exciting for him.”

Gaskill continued, “He’s versatile, he can do it all. He knows the Torah really well, but to come in here and learn a whole other book of scripture, and to pick up things this fast? That’s impressive, there aren’t a lot of guys who could do that.”

“Bottom line, if he keeps playing like this, he’s going to be able to decide where he wants to be,” Gaskill concluded.

“What can we say, he got hungry,” said CU head coach Deion Sanders during Monday’s media availability.

“What happened was, our training staff skipped breakfast at the hotel in Lubbock, because the Red Roof Inn was out of instant scrambled eggs. No big deal, they’re tough. But once we got back to Boulder, those guys were loading up the washing machines, and BAM, out falls a warm and puffy flour tortilla that Travis had saved during the 3rd quarter. Our trainer was so hungry by that point, he just went for it.”

Coach Sanders said that the trainer, who Colorado refuses to name, hasn’t suffered any gastrointestinal complications yet, but that the Buffs were keeping an eye on him.

Updates will be published as they are received.

“He’s just a quality young man, a real class act. He’s exactly the type of player we can see contributing to the Chiefs organization, and who would really fit in nicely in our kicking room,” the scout said.

“Harrison isn’t going to play forever, so it’s important that we have a successor of similar politi—err, skills and work ethic, to pick up the mantle when he’s done,” our source continued.

When reminded that Burkhardt missed a field goal which ultimately meant the difference between a win and a loss for the Red Raiders, the scout qualified his enthusiasm for the young kicker.

“Yeah, he missed, but he missed right. We can work with a kicker who goes right. What you don’t want is a kicker too far to the left,” the Chiefs scout concluded.