“We’re close,” said one Oregon football staffer on deep background via Zoom late Wednesday night.

“But the truth is, we’re in an equipment and facilities arms race here, and we’re losing,” the staffer told CFB News Now.

Oregon’s Hatfield-Dowlin Complex—already considered one of the most impressive structures in collegiate athletics—is currently under construction on an expansion project called 2.MO. According to Lanning and our anonymous source, 2.MO isn’t quite enough.

“Do these players have personalized hover boards? No, they still have to walk between the facilities. And outdoors, no less. Does each player have their own spa and tailored relaxation regimen? No, they don’t. So, as you can see, we’ve made progress, but we still have a ways to go,” the staffer said.

Are these types of amenities really what’s holding Oregon back from taking that next step? Absolutely, said our source.

“The coaching, the community support, it’s always been there. But until these players feel like they are on perpetual vacation at the White Lotus—24 hours a day, 365 days per year—I just don’t see this program taking the next step,” our source concluded.

“People don’t know this, but Matt was a No. 1 pencil guy for his entire tenure in New England. He dabbled with a No. 4 for a hot minute in Detroit, but now, coming back to college, he’s finally making the move to No. 2. Which, of course, is no indication of where he hopes to help the Buckeyes finish this or any season he’s a part of the program,” said Jerry Emig, Ohio State’s Associate Athletic Director of Communications via Google Hangouts early Thursday morning.

What’s informing the change, then? Emig said a number of factors played into the decision.

“First things first, he had to think about availability, he had to think about supply. No. 2 pencils are the definitive required pencil for scantron tests across the entire university world, and so with his return to college, shifting to No. 2 felt natural. He knows there will always be an abundance of No. 2s on and around campus on game days,” Emig said.

“Beyond that, the No. 2 pencil is kind of the perfect hybrid pencil. Nice mix of graphite and clay, so it’s sturdy enough to be reliable, but it can be used for some light sketching, were there ever a game situation that demanded it,” Emig concluded.

“We don’t know how long Paul will be here…we just know that—right now at least—this is exactly where he should be,” said Mary Davies, Clinical Supervisor at Whole Journey via Google Hangouts on Monday morning.

“It’s not just that the SEC is clearly no longer the dominant league in college football…it’s Saban’s retirement, which is something we’ve been digging into with Paul recently. It seems like he never fully processed that when it initially happened,” Davies said.

“And if you follow that thread, there’s some unprocessed disappointment in Saban’s heirs apparent, namely Steve Sarkisian and Lane Kiffin. Paul thought those guys would step up and keep the SEC at the top of the mountain, and it just hasn’t happened,” Davies continued.

So what does healing look like for the long-time SEC prognosticator? Only time will tell, Davies said.

“The road to peace looks different for everyone. Paul is on his own journey, one we’re just honored to be a part of,” Davies concluded.

“First he skips out on the national championship parade, then he puts on the hat? Does this guy just want to fear for his personal safety when in the state of Ohio?” said Dana Popky, Associate Panel Manager at Pew Research in Washington, D.C. via Zoom remote conference early Tuesday morning.

“These types of surveys are usually pretty mundane, and Arnold has held the #1 spot in most U.S. states for close to 240 years. So to have someone new dislodge Arnold from the top of the list—a freaking college football coach, no less—was a huge surprise for us. If nothing else, it goes to show just how seriously the people of Ohio take football,” Popky said.

“‘Jim Knowles’ wasn’t even on the list of options, he was written in so many times as an ‘Other’ choice,” Popky went on.

What would it take for Benedict Arnold to reclaim the throne? Not possible, says Popky.

“At this stage, I just don’t see it happening,” Popky concluded.

“Let’s run it back,” Bobby Mullins, Associate Assistant Manager of Hydration Dispersal tweeted early Tuesday morning, punctuating the statement with a water droplet emoji and a nut emoji.

“With this many defections, we’ll take what we can get,” said Ryan Day said during Monday afternoon’s media availability.

“He was one of those guys that drew a lot of interest from other programs, even got a couple of conversations going at the next level. But we sat down and had a long talk with him about his future, and really tried to figure out where he wanted to be. At the end of the day, his heart was still here in Columbus, and we’re thankful for that,” Day said.

“Bobby is just one of those lunch pail guys who puts his head down and goes to work, every single day. This team wouldn’t have been able to put together the run it did without Bobby being so dialed in, so we consider this to be a key piece of the 2025 repeat effort,” Day said.

What about both coordinators and all the lost roster depth? Day played those matters closer to the vest.

“First thing first is hydration. We’ve always said that, if you don’t have a water-first football philosophy, you don’t have a chance. So, we’re going to take it one day at a time, and build from what we have,” Day said before concluding the press conference.

“You might as well have told the whole program there was as serial killer in the locker room watching them from inside one of the lockers. That’s how shocked everyone was,” said Neal Broom, Computer Forensics Lab Director at Technical Resource Center Computer Forensics via Google Hangouts on Tuesday afternoon.

“We’ve been working on the technical forensic analysis of this particular case for a while now, and we had a breakthrough recently. Needless to say, the revelation was…chilling. What a twist,” Broom said.

Early speculation surrounding the nature of the whistle-blowing seemed to focus on arch rival Ohio State, but Michigan’s own response to the NCAA released on Monday slashed that narrative for good. The Columbus Dispatch was quick to emphasize that point and absolve the hometown Ohio State Buckeyes of any sabotage or wrongdoing in the turmoil surrounding their arch rivals.

Broom, for his part, speculated on what this terrifying twist means for the Michigan football program.

“This development is a scary part one, but if the NCAA decides to take away the natty? That’ll make for a horrifying sequel for Michigan fans everywhere,” Broom concluded.

“Never seen anything like it. We thought the golden age of popcorn was long gone, but that’s just not the case,” said Lanie Friedman, Brand Communications Manager for Conagra Foods via FaceTime.

“Forget the 1950s, largely considered the golden age of movie theater-going, forget the 1970s and 1980s, when the blockbuster was born. What we’re seeing right now tops them all, and it’s been largely driven by a college football spat, which is…something,” Friedman said.

Just this week, Michigan responded to the NCAA’s notice of allegations with a lengthy rebuttal in which it defended all parties implicated in the sign-stealing scandal that rocked the world of college football within the last couple of years. Ohio State fans were quick to jump on the response, labeling it as hypocritical and downright comical. The back-and-forth meme-ing between the two bitter rivals has driven massive growth in popcorn sales and Reddit engagement over on the increasingly popular subreddit r/CFBMemes.

For fans unaffiliated with the midwest college football rivalry, the drama has been nothing short of captivating.

“This is great for me,” said Jim Hruska via Instagram chat. Hruska—an Austin, Texas local and fan of the Texas Longhorns—doesn’t have a dog in the fight. But he does have some popcorn in the microwave.

“I always get a little anxious when the offseason starts, but if the Michigan-Ohio State stuff keeps up at this pace, the next seven months are going to fly by,” Hruska concluded.

“These guys never saw eye-to-eye on which direction to take their facial hair,” our source said via RingCentral remote teleconference on Monday afternoon. “That dispute lead to an inconsistent and largely competing visual presentation on the sidelines. Ryan’s the head honcho, so that black beard was all most people ever saw, but there was always that set of white whiskers, calling blitzes and stalking the sidelines not far behind.”

“And look, sometimes clashing styles can work. With the season we just had, clearly they were both mature enough to make it work on the field, but we all had a sense early on that this would ultimately be the duo’s undoing. It’s one of those situations where you hate to be right,” the staffer said.

So who had the superior stubble? And should we expect to see a “black out” this fall? The staffer said that was still up in the air.

“Look, it’s no secret: that beard is the source of Coach Day’s power. That’s why he takes such great care of it. That thing isn’t going ANYWHERE,” our source said.

And as for Knowles? The entire Ohio State staff wishes him well.

“With that ghostly goatee, Jim’s going to fit right in during those ‘white out’ games in State College,” our source concluded with a wink.

“He’s just got too much baggage around that game at this point,” one Ohio State staffer told CFB News Now via Google Hangouts on the condition of anonymity. “He’s beaten basically everyone else: Oregon, Penn State, both UTs. But the Michigan nut has been a tough one to crack, forgive the pun. Coach is a huge fan of the show, and this just seemed like the perfect opportunity to finally get over the hump against his rival.”

The procedure, based loosely on the hit Apple television show of the same name, is theoretically possible, said neuroscientist Theodore Schwartz via LinkedIn messages on Saturday.

“It could work, and effectively would create an entirely new person—Day’s ‘innie,’ if you will—who would enter the Big House with no knowledge of Michigan’s four-game streak—or it’s accompanying mental edge—over Ohio State. So long as the procedure doesn’t completely sever Day’s knowledge of the game, I think it’s a novel idea worth considering,” Schwartz concluded.

It’s not clear whether Day or Day’s innie—Ryan D.—will be credited as having coached the game, nor how Day’s innie might react to his unnaturally dark beard, but our source on the Ohio State staff said it’s worth the gamble.

“He’s got a natty in the bag, okay. All that’s left is to get some dubs going against TTUN. And, what else can I say: desperate times call for desperate measures,” our source concluded.

“It just went on, and on, and ON,” said Sarah Benson, whose husband Dan is still celebrating Ohio State’s 34-23 win over Notre Dame.

“This is the first weekend we haven’t had to plan around college football in I don’t know how long,” said Ashley Williams, wife of Notre Dame supporter Brandon.

“We had this whole Caribbean vacation all planned out around New Years,” said Kristen Hruska, wife of Texas Longhorns fan Jim, ”we were on our way to a bioluminescence kayaking excursion—there are only three of them in the world—and we’re getting all geared up to push off, and guess what happens? Frickin’ Arizona State sends it to overtime. Guess who stayed behind and missed the bioluminescent algae?!” Kristen exclaimed. “If I hear the name ‘Skattebo’ one more time, I might vomit.”

So what does preparation for next season look like? Stretching, spa days, and cold rose, among other things, the women said.

“We’ve got about 7.5 months to recover before the next one starts, and I’m not even sure that’s long enough,” Hruska said before signing off.

The scene, eerily reminiscent of the climactic Danny Ocean-Terry Benedict confrontation from the heist movie Ocean’s 11, was captured on closed caption video and shared exclusively with CFB News Now.

“What happened Day, you get beat by Michigan again or something?” the faux CFP press member said passing Day in the hallway.

“Stop,” said Day, approaching the press member from afar. “I’m going to give you one chance,” Day threatened quietly. “How do I beat Michigan?”

“What if I told you I could get you a win against Michigan, if you would give up the natty…what would you say?” the Michigan man queried.

“I would say ‘Yes,’” Day responded after a brief pause.

“Psych, you’re never beating Michigan” the fan exclaimed, pulling open his jacket to reveal a maize “M” logo on a blue t-shirt. “GO BLUE!” the man shouted before running off down the hallway.

As of press time, Ryan Day and Ohio State athletic representatives haven’t responded to requests for comment. Updates will be made as they are received.

“Is he beat up about it? Yeah, of course he is,” said a Vatican City representative on deep background via Facebook Messenger early Tuesday morning.

“The game just didn’t go how he hoped. He was going to let it play out on the field, but when it got to 31-7 Ohio State, he thought he needed to intervene a little bit on the Fighting Irish’s behalf, so he started reciting ‘Hail Mary’s nonstop, and it almost worked. We were one non-press man coverage play away from having a really interesting ending,” our source said.

Did the Notre Dame defeat do anything to shake the pope’s faith in the almighty or the power of prayer? Not at all, said our source.

“He knows how this goes, he’s been around a long time. He’s seen so many wins and losses like this, not only in the church, but also on the gridiron. He has full belief that the Catholics will make it back and honor the big guy with a natty before too long,” our source concluded.