“The president promised an end to DEI, illegal protesting, and liberal indoctrination more generally. Nowhere are those movements more entrenched than academia. Ivy League schools are ground zero for wokeness, as they have effectively become propaganda brainwashing machines for the corrupt democrat (sic) party, as evidenced by the pro-Palestine protests that have transpired on Columbia’s campus,” said Trump’s press secretary Karoline Leavitt on Sunday from the James S. Brady Press Briefing Room in the West Wing.

“The American people are tired of wokeness and all of its excesses. If the liberal students are going to protest, then they’re going to pay for it at the ticket office when it comes time to gain entrance to their beloved Columbia Lions football games this fall. That should give the dozens of students who attend home football games and who are also thinking of illegally protesting some pause before doing so,” Leavitt continued.

When asked if the administration’s focus on combatting and punishing those who indulge in anti-semitism included any kind of formal repercussions for Elon Musk’s latest expression of Hitler minimization, Leavitt ignored the question and moved on.

“You can see me? But you’re in Texas? By what magic does this device operate?” asked William Johnson upon joining the FaceTime.

“When I boarded The Machine—and just before closing mine eyes—a newspaper did appear before me which read, ‘Yale wins again! Long may the Bulldogs reign!!!’ after rightfully claiming its sixth national championship in seven seasons. I was of the belief that things would be altered—even drastically so—but it was certainly beyond my estimations that things could change this much,” Johnson said.

CFB News Now took it upon itself to inform Johnson of the myriad changes that have occurred to the game of college football in the intervening 130 years, including the introduction of the forward pass—which was met with an audible gasp from the time-traveller—the evolution of safety equipment, bowl games, racial integration, the emergence (and then recession) of the BCS, the emergence of the dominant south, Alabama’s 12-20 national championships, Nick Saban, skyrocketing coaching salaries, the College Football Playoff, and of course, NIL and the transfer portal.

“I beg your pardon,” Johnson said after a long pause, “but it no longer sounds like the same game that Coach Walter Camp introduced,” Johnson said before dropping the phone and fainting.

“You want to know how open our borders are? These illegals have their own school!” said one enraged protester.

Said another, “It’s just insane how brazen we are about allowing illegals from Mexico, Central America, South America, Colombia [as he motioned to the stadium entrance] to just go about their daily lives, with no repercussions whatsoever.”

When told that the Ivy League school Columbia was unrelated to the South American country of Colombia, one protester retorted, “Oh yeah, where are you from? CNN?! Fake news!” before rejoining the chant and thrusting his sign into the air.