“At around 2 am this morning, police in Los Angeles, Lincoln, Austin, and Columbus were alerted to a disturbance in the already muted spring agenda for college football activities,” said FBI’s Deputy Chief Melissa Overton during a briefing held on Zoom early Monday morning.

“All of the spring games across the country are falling, one-by-one, and so it’s safe to say, the spring game is dead at this point,” Overton confirmed to audible gasps from those left unmuted on the Zoom call.

Was this an isolated incident? And did the assailant act alone, or were there co-conspirators? Details were scant, and Overton was only willing to speculate.

“At this time, and based on the evidence that we have accumulated, we can say with certainty that NIL and the transfer portal are the prime suspects. We received a tip that perhaps the duration of the modern college football season—which has been significantly prolonged due to the new CFP format—might have been involved, but our initial probe has cleared duration of any wrongdoing, which has a solid alibi for its whereabouts during the time in question,” Overton continued.

So what’s left? And what will replace the spring game during the month of April for most college football programs?

“Ohio State is experimenting with a ‘Spring Showcase,’ the contents of which are not clear at this time. Most programs are dropping any kind of spring football activities whatsoever. We can say with 100% assurance that Deion Sanders won’t be using the open Saturday to conduct a recruiting visit,” Overtone concluded before ending the call.

“Is Elon a closet BCS fan? Like, what’s the deal here?” said user @maga_nificent.

“I like how Trump and Musk are shaking things up, but dammit, why they gotta mess with my football?” said user @librul_tears. “What am I going to do without winter football March Madness?”

“CFPB? The heck is that? College Football Playoff + Bowls? They’re getting rid of bowl games, too?!” said user @foot_balls_of_steel.

“@elonmusk, do you have to get rid of the whole playoff? Maybe we just go back to four teams?” asked user @musks_rat.

CFB News Now intervened to inform each user that the CFPB doesn’t in fact refer to anything football-related, and instead, refers to the decade-and-a-half old Consumer Financial Protection Bureau, which is tasked with ensuring that consumers are protected from unfair, deceptive, or abusive practices in the financial sector. It was established after the 2008 financial crisis to provide oversight and enforce regulations to protect consumers in areas such as banking, credit cards, mortgages, and student loans.

“Oh. So nothing important, then,” replied user @maga_nificent on X. “MAGA!!!!” the user concluded.

“The book of Judith got the axe about 1,700 years ago, but one of the passages speaks of a brutish devil with ruddy cheeks, a dark—but false—black beard, and who claims to be a leader among men. I mean, Judith is just beating us over the head with this one,” Foltz said via X (formerly Twitter) direct message on Saturday.

Foltz said the forgotten text—which he failed to produce evidence of when asked—also speaks of an epic clash between the devil hoard lead by the Antichrist and a group of crusaders wearing green and gold. He believes Monday night’s game in Atlanta, Georgia represents that very conflict.

So does that mean the national championship game carries a little extra weight? A lot more, says Foltz.

“I believe this game is about more than who’s the best team in college football—this game is about the soul of humanity,” Foltz said. “Needless to say, I’ll be taking the Irish not only to cover the 8-point spread, but to win outright, for the fate of all mankind,” Foltz concluded.

“People are absolutely stoked right now, and they are praying harder than ever,” said Bishop Kevin C. Rhoades via confessional booth late on Sunday evening.

Capacity for all churches within the diocese amounts to around 93,000—which would be considered small-ish by SEC standards—however, Rhoades says every church within his diocese’ boundary was standing-room only after Notre Dame‘s thrilling 27-24 victory over Penn State.

“We had to bring in some temporary bleacher seating to accommodate the onslaught of new believers,” Rhoades went on.

As for the attendees, what did the composition of the newly devout look like? Rhoades said it was a nice mix of people from all walks of life.

“We’re seeing enthusiasm from across the life spectrum: young people, old people, and everyone in between. You have to remember, it’s been nearly 40 years since the Irish finished on top of the college football world at the end of the season, and now that Catholic football fans are starting to see the fruits of their prayers on the field, they’re realizing the power of prayer, and they’re coming back in droves,” Rhoades said.

So what’s the lesson from all of this at the end of the day? Rhoades said simply, “Wining cures all,” before concluding the confession.

“He’s very excited about how this season has panned out. He doesn’t want to say, ‘I told ya so,’ but he had it on good authority that this was going to be a special one,” said a Vatican representative on deep background via Skype early on Friday morning.

“The last time the Irish won it all, the pope was just a bishop, so to be the first pope that presided over a natty, that’s something he would take great pride in.”

How did el jefe decide which piece of art would need to come down to make room? With deep introspection, our source said.

“His first instinct was Jesus, because we have so many of those hanging around, but he didn’t want to upset the big guy. Mary was out of the question, too sacred. Joe was a great guy, did a lot for this congregation, helped raise a kid that wasn’t even his with complete selflessness, but at the end of the day, he’s kind of like Catholicism’s sixth man. He comes off the bench, contributes a lot, but he’s not a super star, you know?” our source concluded.

“Dang it. I was really hoping coach Freeman would be there,” said Dan Le Batard, famous sports journalist and Miami native.

“I can’t imagine why he wouldn’t be making an appearance,” Le Batard said incredulously via iOS messages on Thursday. “Does he have somewhere else to be or something? What could be more important than Casino Night?!”

As of press time, it’s unclear if Penn State head coach James Franklin will be attending the event, as his demeanor as captured on the same video was not as conclusively appalled as Freeman’s.

Updates will be published as they are received.

“If I’m being honest, I have no idea. No one does,” said Shaw through slightly slurred speech.

How then are calls made once they go to the remote replay booth? Shaw says that depends on what region the game is being played in.

“I heard the guys out west just have a gold fish in a tank with a line right down the middle, and if, after about 20 seconds, the gold fish is on the left, it’s targeting, if it’s on the right, it’s not. Pretty neat,” Shaw said.

“Then you got the guys down in the SEC who say targeting is like pornography: they can’t define it, but they know it when they see it. God bless ’em,” Shaw said before ordering another old fashioned.

Will there be any updates made to the rule after some questionable and polarizing calls during the 2024 season, including one that kept Miami unbeaten, one that helped Georgia fend off Georgia Tech, and one that helped the Texas Longhorns advance to the CFP semifinals? Shaw was unable to answer questions by this point, and instead laid his head down on one of the reception tables and began muttering unintelligibly.

“We got a threatening email from ‘noreply@espn.com’ late on Christmas, and then no one could log into the site,” said one CFB News Now deputy editor on the condition of anonymity.

“The message said, ‘All your news are belong to us,’ which kind of shook the whole staff to its core. There was a longer message, but we’re not at liberty to disclose anything else except that it was written in a fashion consistent with Joey Galloway’s speech pattern,” our source said. “It’s possible someone spiked his egg nog or over-served him mulled wine at his family gathering. At this point, we’re willing to give Joey the benefit of the doubt,” our source said.

The editor said it’s not clear what ESPN was planning on doing with the website. “They just sat on it for a few days,” our source said.

The editor did confirm that all staff now have restored access to their website accounts, and will resume publishing the latest breaking essential college football news as it develops.

“We might make the home team’s quarterback tie his non-dominant hand behind his back for a quarter,” said Rich Clark, Executive Director of the CFP via Cisco Webex late on Sunday night. “We could establish a three Mississippi delay on rushes for the higher-seeded team…who knows, all possibilities are on the table right now.”

How will the committee decide it’s reached parity? When the games get a little closer, said Clark.

“It’s going to be a trial and error type deal, for sure. But if the visiting team gets five timeouts instead of three, if the center has to snap the ball with his eyes closed, if anyone who runs a sub-4.40 40-yard dash has to wear flags, we feel pretty confident we’ll see some 31-35 type of outcomes that will keep people engaged throughout the whole contest,” Clark concluded.

“Demographic shifts and public perception changes always occur, that’s life,” said Kim Parker, Director of Social Trends Research at Pew via RingCentral Thursday morning.

“But this is unprecedented, and it’s one more unforeseen consequence of NIL,” said Parker.

“These kids are well aware of the economic uncertainty this country is facing. They no longer want to serve their community or answer the call of civic duty; they want Larry Ellison to dip into his petty cash fund to pay them multiple millions of dollars to play football. Or even better, to get paid eight figures to stop coaching college football because they performed so poorly,” concluded Parker.

“It’s good work if you can get it,” said one seven-year-old during an in-person interview on the condition of anonymity before making the Johnny Manziel “money” gesture.

“We’re writing this letter through tear-filled eyes right now. This the most difficult thing we have ever had to do…

Yesterday, the unthinkable happened. We’re still processing things on our end, but unfortunately, Clemson beating SMU means we’re going to have to take a break from this relationship.

It’s not you. We know everyone says that, but seriously, it’s not. We still ranked you 11, but because of the automatic bids granted to the top 5 ranked conference champions—a rule we created specifically for you—you’re going to be the first team out.

We know it probably comes as a shock, it did for us, too. You’re still getting a nice bowl game. (And if you’re curious about what ReliaQuest does, we’re not 100% sure, but it has something to do with artificial intelligence and security. Hopefully, you’ll have time to read up on them before you get to Tampa.)

Anyway, we don’t really know what else to say at this point, except we still love you, we’re just not in love with you any more. Not this year, at least.

Anyway, we’ll think of you always.

Until next season, <3,

The Committee”

“My Dearest Crimson Tide,” the letter opened, “You are everything we could ever want in a CFP contender.”

“You’ve been going through some tough times recently, we get that: there was the surprise at Vanderbilt, whatever happened at Tennessee, and that disaster in Norman, Oklahoma most recently. Things haven’t exactly gone to plan this season.”

“Still, we just can’t quit you,” the letter went on, “and the thought of going through an entire playoff cycle—an expanded one, no less!—without hearing that Ryan Williams is only 17 years old at least fifty times (will he be 18 by then?) is just too much to bear.”

“At the end of the day, we’ve been through a lot together. It was never about Nick, it was alway YOU!!! From Tua relieving Hurts to Devonta Smith’s dismantling of Ohio State…even those tough losses to Clemson. It just wouldn’t be a CFP without you. (We would have put you higher, probably closer to where SMU is at, but we didn’t want anyone to get suspicious, hopefully you’re okay with that.)”

“You could have a hundred losses,” the group note—apparently compiled in Canva—concluded, “and you would still win our hearts.”