“Lane stinks, there’s just no two ways about it,” said Father Olor Fresco, CEO (Chief Exorcism Officer) of Odor Exorcism, the start-up odor eliminator manufacturer.

“When you have that kind of malfeasance leave your program, it leaves a stink. And frankly, a regular odor eliminator just won’t do,” Father Fresco told CFB New Now via Zoom early Monday morning.

The college football world hasn’t been rocked by a coaching departure like this since Lincoln Riley left Oklahoma suddenly for USC a few seasons ago. CFB News Now asked Father Fresco why Odor Exorcism didn’t deploy a “Lincoln Stinks” coupon campaign for Oklahoma fans during that high-profile exit.

“We hadn’t launched yet,” Father Fresco said. “But you can bet your bottom dollar we would have if we’d been around,” Father Fresco concluded.

“We’re just not going to endanger our Longhorns like that,” Sarkisian said via remote Zoom interview early Saturday morning.

“And this is Texas, after all, so we’re busting out the big guns, literally,” Sarkisian said holding up an AR-15 to the laptop camera. The burnt orange weapon was emblazoned with a Longhorn logo on the handle.

The task force, known as the Bovine Guardians, were made famous by their defense of the world’s loan remaining Northern White Rhino. Now, they’ll be protecting a completely different kind of horned creature, a task of similar importance to Longhorn faithful across the state.

“Those guys are seasoned veterans, they know what to do. We basically said, ‘Hey, keep an eye on any suspicious traffic you see coming down I-35, especially from the north.’ We wouldn’t put it past the Sooners to send confederates down here to try to snag some of the young or sick amongst our herd. I mean, remember Brenen and Casey Thompson?” Sarkisian concluded emphatically.

A call to Texas A&M head coach Mike Elko went unanswered, but was followed up shortly thereafter with text message which read, “You know, there’s one other thing they could do to prevent poaching: saw ’em off. #gigem,” Elko said succinctly.

“We don’t know how long Paul will be here…we just know that—right now at least—this is exactly where he should be,” said Mary Davies, Clinical Supervisor at Whole Journey via Google Hangouts on Monday morning.

“It’s not just that the SEC is clearly no longer the dominant league in college football…it’s Saban’s retirement, which is something we’ve been digging into with Paul recently. It seems like he never fully processed that when it initially happened,” Davies said.

“And if you follow that thread, there’s some unprocessed disappointment in Saban’s heirs apparent, namely Steve Sarkisian and Lane Kiffin. Paul thought those guys would step up and keep the SEC at the top of the mountain, and it just hasn’t happened,” Davies continued.

So what does healing look like for the long-time SEC prognosticator? Only time will tell, Davies said.

“The road to peace looks different for everyone. Paul is on his own journey, one we’re just honored to be a part of,” Davies concluded.

“Early on, we can talk about how much noise Bama would have made in the 2024 CFP, and then later, after the Crimson Tide have suffered a few surprising losses, we can discuss whether they should be included in the 2025 12-team playoff. It’s that in-betweeny time that I’m worried about,” said Joe Tessitore via Apple FaceTime.

Kirk Herbstreit even had a chance to weigh in, adding, “How much is Bama paying for their roster in 2025? We got quite a bit of mileage out of that for Ohio State last year, so maybe we can explore that a bit?”

“What if we just didn’t talk so much?” said Greg McElroy via iOS message early Sunday morning.

Regardless of which announcing approach is taken this fall, the task of filling the air left by the absence of comments like, “Reminder, folks: Ryan Williams is only 17,” is a challenging one. A CFB News Now analysis of Alabama telecasts found that a full 41% of comments made during Bama games last season in some way pertained to Ryan Williams’ age. The repetition was so consistent that, by season’s end, about as many people could name the current United States president as could tell you that Ryan Williams was 17, one YouGov poll showed.

“I really like basketball,” said Auburn fan John during an in-person interview on Monday. “The way the ball bounces, and stuff, it’s really…it’s really neat. And who wants another football national championship, anyway? That 2010 season with Cam was so special…” John said, his voice and gaze trailing off into distant recollection. “We’ll probably beat Bama in basketball, too, so…so, that’s good,” John said before trailing off again.

“One thing I love about basketball is that the games are all played indoors, so that’s something to get excited about,” said Jenny, a junior at Tennessee.

“Well, the media time outs aren’t as long…which is nice,” said Ole Miss Rebel and Oxford, Mississippi resident Mason, tearing up slightly.

“The games don’t last as long and the tickets are cheaper. But the tailgating sucks, I can tell you that much,” said new Mississippi State basketball fan Adrian.

“He’s just got too much baggage around that game at this point,” one Ohio State staffer told CFB News Now via Google Hangouts on the condition of anonymity. “He’s beaten basically everyone else: Oregon, Penn State, both UTs. But the Michigan nut has been a tough one to crack, forgive the pun. Coach is a huge fan of the show, and this just seemed like the perfect opportunity to finally get over the hump against his rival.”

The procedure, based loosely on the hit Apple television show of the same name, is theoretically possible, said neuroscientist Theodore Schwartz via LinkedIn messages on Saturday.

“It could work, and effectively would create an entirely new person—Day’s ‘innie,’ if you will—who would enter the Big House with no knowledge of Michigan’s four-game streak—or it’s accompanying mental edge—over Ohio State. So long as the procedure doesn’t completely sever Day’s knowledge of the game, I think it’s a novel idea worth considering,” Schwartz concluded.

It’s not clear whether Day or Day’s innie—Ryan D.—will be credited as having coached the game, nor how Day’s innie might react to his unnaturally dark beard, but our source on the Ohio State staff said it’s worth the gamble.

“He’s got a natty in the bag, okay. All that’s left is to get some dubs going against TTUN. And, what else can I say: desperate times call for desperate measures,” our source concluded.

“It just went on, and on, and ON,” said Sarah Benson, whose husband Dan is still celebrating Ohio State’s 34-23 win over Notre Dame.

“This is the first weekend we haven’t had to plan around college football in I don’t know how long,” said Ashley Williams, wife of Notre Dame supporter Brandon.

“We had this whole Caribbean vacation all planned out around New Years,” said Kristen Hruska, wife of Texas Longhorns fan Jim, ”we were on our way to a bioluminescence kayaking excursion—there are only three of them in the world—and we’re getting all geared up to push off, and guess what happens? Frickin’ Arizona State sends it to overtime. Guess who stayed behind and missed the bioluminescent algae?!” Kristen exclaimed. “If I hear the name ‘Skattebo’ one more time, I might vomit.”

So what does preparation for next season look like? Stretching, spa days, and cold rose, among other things, the women said.

“We’ve got about 7.5 months to recover before the next one starts, and I’m not even sure that’s long enough,” Hruska said before signing off.

“I’m just so proud of these guys, they worked hard all year long for a chance to say they would have beaten any one of the teams who actually made the playoff, and now they can say, they would have been #1,” head coach Lane Kiffin said during the CFP post-game conference via Microsoft Teams video conference.

Ole Miss All-SEC quarterback Jaxson Dart would have thrown for 386 yards and 4 touchdowns against Ohio State or 291 yards, 3 touchdowns, and 1 interception against Notre Dame, who has a little tougher passing defense. He would have added 42 yards on the ground against Ohio State or 57 rushing yards and a score against Notre Dame.

The hypothetical national championship games conclude a four-game win-streak Ole Miss theoretically would have gone on to blaze a trail through the first-ever 12-team college football playoff which would have included victories over Texas, Boise State and Penn State.

A parade is planned for Saturday in Oxford, Mississippi followed by a hypothetical banner-hanging thereafter.

“Lest I remind you that Notre Dame is an independent, so in my book, with referee Steve Marlowe & Co. being there, we feel comfortable saying this was a Big Ten-SEC championship game,” Sankey said via FaceTime during the first quarter of the Notre Dame-Ohio State game.

“The teams of our conference should have been here—and undoubtedly would have been here—if not for Parker Jones, or if Steve Sarkisian knew what a halfback dive was. Couple little tweaks here and there and it wouldn’t be just the officiating crew that made the trip to Atlanta tonight,” Sankey said.

What does that mean for the SEC’s claim to still being the most dominant league in the sport? Status quo, Sankey said.

“Look, it just means more in the SEC, what don’t you get about that?” Sankey said, apparently beginning to lose his patience.

“Ole Miss woulda beat either one of these teams anyway, so this championship is ours,” Sankey yelled before hanging up abruptly.

“I’ve never seen anything like the rollercoaster that is the Ohio State fanbase,” said Mark Agnew via Google Hangouts early Sunday morning, a neck brace visible throughout the video conference.

The chart, which is similar to ESPN’s Gamecast win probability tracker, allows viewers to monitor just how likely it is that Ryan Day keeps his job as head football coach at Ohio State.

“If you look here,” Agnew said sharing his screen, “the potential for ‘firing’ maxes out at 96.7% right about the time Jack Sawyer was putting in full effort to defend the ‘O’ midfield logo after the 13-10 loss to Michigan, and Ryan Day was saying, ‘What happened?’ At that point, it was a foregone conclusion that he was pretty much done,” Agnew said.

“Fast-forward a couple of weeks, and then the chart gets back to neutral around the time the Buckeyes were spanking Tennessee. Then, his seat cools off considerably with the Oregon drubbing, and now we’ve maxed out at 99.9% retention with the scoop-and-score ending against Texas,” Agnew said.

So what does all this mean for Agnew’s rooting interests on Monday night when Ohio State takes on Notre Dame for the College Football Playoff National Championship finale? O-H-I-O all day, Agnew says.

“My neck can’t take another whiplash change-of-direction in Ryan Day’s job security, so let’s go Bucks, baby,” Agnew concluded.

“People are absolutely stoked right now, and they are praying harder than ever,” said Bishop Kevin C. Rhoades via confessional booth late on Sunday evening.

Capacity for all churches within the diocese amounts to around 93,000—which would be considered small-ish by SEC standards—however, Rhoades says every church within his diocese’ boundary was standing-room only after Notre Dame‘s thrilling 27-24 victory over Penn State.

“We had to bring in some temporary bleacher seating to accommodate the onslaught of new believers,” Rhoades went on.

As for the attendees, what did the composition of the newly devout look like? Rhoades said it was a nice mix of people from all walks of life.

“We’re seeing enthusiasm from across the life spectrum: young people, old people, and everyone in between. You have to remember, it’s been nearly 40 years since the Irish finished on top of the college football world at the end of the season, and now that Catholic football fans are starting to see the fruits of their prayers on the field, they’re realizing the power of prayer, and they’re coming back in droves,” Rhoades said.

So what’s the lesson from all of this at the end of the day? Rhoades said simply, “Wining cures all,” before concluding the confession.

“This might just be the evidence we were looking for to prove that Parker was really out to sabotage Georgia in the CFP quarterfinal,” said an irate Georgia staffer on the condition of anonymity via Google Hangouts early Thursday morning.

“The last name ‘Jones’ might throw you off, because it’s clearly Welsh, but our research indicates that Parker’s great great grand-parents might have strayed across the border a time or two,” the staffer said.

What about the Catholic part of the equation? Our anonymous source said religious affiliations so far back are tougher to verify, but that the Georgia faithful are actively working on it.

“With a little help from some web sleuths in the Athens area, we’re going to get to the bottom of it. If it turns out that one of Jones’ forebears was a man or woman of the cloth, I think we’ll have the information we need to go public with our accusations,” the source concluded.