“At around 2 am this morning, police in Los Angeles, Lincoln, Austin, and Columbus were alerted to a disturbance in the already muted spring agenda for college football activities,” said FBI’s Deputy Chief Melissa Overton during a briefing held on Zoom early Monday morning.

“All of the spring games across the country are falling, one-by-one, and so it’s safe to say, the spring game is dead at this point,” Overton confirmed to audible gasps from those left unmuted on the Zoom call.

Was this an isolated incident? And did the assailant act alone, or were there co-conspirators? Details were scant, and Overton was only willing to speculate.

“At this time, and based on the evidence that we have accumulated, we can say with certainty that NIL and the transfer portal are the prime suspects. We received a tip that perhaps the duration of the modern college football season—which has been significantly prolonged due to the new CFP format—might have been involved, but our initial probe has cleared duration of any wrongdoing, which has a solid alibi for its whereabouts during the time in question,” Overton continued.

So what’s left? And what will replace the spring game during the month of April for most college football programs?

“Ohio State is experimenting with a ‘Spring Showcase,’ the contents of which are not clear at this time. Most programs are dropping any kind of spring football activities whatsoever. We can say with 100% assurance that Deion Sanders won’t be using the open Saturday to conduct a recruiting visit,” Overtone concluded before ending the call.

“It just went on, and on, and ON,” said Sarah Benson, whose husband Dan is still celebrating Ohio State’s 34-23 win over Notre Dame.

“This is the first weekend we haven’t had to plan around college football in I don’t know how long,” said Ashley Williams, wife of Notre Dame supporter Brandon.

“We had this whole Caribbean vacation all planned out around New Years,” said Kristen Hruska, wife of Texas Longhorns fan Jim, ”we were on our way to a bioluminescence kayaking excursion—there are only three of them in the world—and we’re getting all geared up to push off, and guess what happens? Frickin’ Arizona State sends it to overtime. Guess who stayed behind and missed the bioluminescent algae?!” Kristen exclaimed. “If I hear the name ‘Skattebo’ one more time, I might vomit.”

So what does preparation for next season look like? Stretching, spa days, and cold rose, among other things, the women said.

“We’ve got about 7.5 months to recover before the next one starts, and I’m not even sure that’s long enough,” Hruska said before signing off.

“The book of Judith got the axe about 1,700 years ago, but one of the passages speaks of a brutish devil with ruddy cheeks, a dark—but false—black beard, and who claims to be a leader among men. I mean, Judith is just beating us over the head with this one,” Foltz said via X (formerly Twitter) direct message on Saturday.

Foltz said the forgotten text—which he failed to produce evidence of when asked—also speaks of an epic clash between the devil hoard lead by the Antichrist and a group of crusaders wearing green and gold. He believes Monday night’s game in Atlanta, Georgia represents that very conflict.

So does that mean the national championship game carries a little extra weight? A lot more, says Foltz.

“I believe this game is about more than who’s the best team in college football—this game is about the soul of humanity,” Foltz said. “Needless to say, I’ll be taking the Irish not only to cover the 8-point spread, but to win outright, for the fate of all mankind,” Foltz concluded.

“Baaaarfff,” said one Wolverines fan on X (formerly Twitter) shortly after the Ohio State Buckeyes finished off the Texas Longhorns 28-14 in the Goodyear Cotton Bowl semifinal game.

“I’m on Team Meteor,” said another in response.

“Why can’t they both lose?” asked one Redditor on the r/cfbmemes subreddit.

“They may win a national championship, but not a single one from the graduating class at OSU can say they beat the Michigan Wolverines #4inaRow,” said one other X user.

“You had one F*CKING job to do, @TexasFootball.” tweeted yet another X contributor that goes by the username @our_bitch_again.

“Scanning? We’re praying for one,” said Reddit user u/CouldntBeMetho in response to the article title.

So what do astronomers say about the prospect of a celestial occurrence intervening in Michigan fans’ nightmare? Not likely.

“There’s no significant activity expected for the remainder of January,” said Andy Byron, an astronomer based out of New York City via Microsoft Teams late on Monday night.

“Unfortunately for Wolverines fans the world over, it appears that this game will take place as scheduled, and someone’s going to win it,” Byron concluded.

“People are absolutely stoked right now, and they are praying harder than ever,” said Bishop Kevin C. Rhoades via confessional booth late on Sunday evening.

Capacity for all churches within the diocese amounts to around 93,000—which would be considered small-ish by SEC standards—however, Rhoades says every church within his diocese’ boundary was standing-room only after Notre Dame‘s thrilling 27-24 victory over Penn State.

“We had to bring in some temporary bleacher seating to accommodate the onslaught of new believers,” Rhoades went on.

As for the attendees, what did the composition of the newly devout look like? Rhoades said it was a nice mix of people from all walks of life.

“We’re seeing enthusiasm from across the life spectrum: young people, old people, and everyone in between. You have to remember, it’s been nearly 40 years since the Irish finished on top of the college football world at the end of the season, and now that Catholic football fans are starting to see the fruits of their prayers on the field, they’re realizing the power of prayer, and they’re coming back in droves,” Rhoades said.

So what’s the lesson from all of this at the end of the day? Rhoades said simply, “Wining cures all,” before concluding the confession.

“Dang it. I was really hoping coach Freeman would be there,” said Dan Le Batard, famous sports journalist and Miami native.

“I can’t imagine why he wouldn’t be making an appearance,” Le Batard said incredulously via iOS messages on Thursday. “Does he have somewhere else to be or something? What could be more important than Casino Night?!”

As of press time, it’s unclear if Penn State head coach James Franklin will be attending the event, as his demeanor as captured on the same video was not as conclusively appalled as Freeman’s.

Updates will be published as they are received.

“This might just be the evidence we were looking for to prove that Parker was really out to sabotage Georgia in the CFP quarterfinal,” said an irate Georgia staffer on the condition of anonymity via Google Hangouts early Thursday morning.

“The last name ‘Jones’ might throw you off, because it’s clearly Welsh, but our research indicates that Parker’s great great grand-parents might have strayed across the border a time or two,” the staffer said.

What about the Catholic part of the equation? Our anonymous source said religious affiliations so far back are tougher to verify, but that the Georgia faithful are actively working on it.

“With a little help from some web sleuths in the Athens area, we’re going to get to the bottom of it. If it turns out that one of Jones’ forebears was a man or woman of the cloth, I think we’ll have the information we need to go public with our accusations,” the source concluded.

“I’m really excited to experience the Cotton Bowl in a whole different weather environment than we’re used to,” said the anonymous Longhorns supporter who originally supplied her name for the interview, but later redacted it for reasons that will become apparent. “The last time we were there in October, it was 80-something degrees and humid. Those folks from Ohio are used to this, so they’re probably all set, but this’ll be a fun new experience for us Texans!”

“I got Hudson and Bella matching burnt orange balaclavas, we got some Smartwool socks—also burnt orange, Hook ‘Em!—and we got those hand warmer packs that people in Chicago just swear by. Everyone got their own Gortex sleeping bag rated for 0º, just in case we go into overtime—this is Texas, after all!—or we’re not able to leave the stadium.”

“Now I know what the Kansas City Chiefs fans have to go through every year!” the anonymous super fan said during a Wednesday morning Zoom meeting.

When told that the Cotton Bowl was being played at the fully climate controlled AT&T Stadium in Arlington—rather than the real Cotton Bowl at Fair Park in Dallas—our anonymous interviewee paused briefly, and then said, “I have to track down some receipts,” before abruptly leaving the Zoom call.

“We consider the outcome of this college football postseason to be conclusive: it just doesn’t mean more,” said Anil Gollahalli, Chief Legal Officer and General Counsel for the Big Ten Conference via Slack Huddle late on Thursday night.

“The amount of handwringing and ballyhooing about Alabama and South Carolina being left out of the playoff only to see those teams defeated on national television by ‘inferior’ B1G opponents is, frankly, shameful,” the lawyer said.

“Now Georgia has been exposed by Big Ten-adjacent Notre Dame, and all that’s left for the conference is Texas, who not everyone even agrees is an SEC team. And don’t even get me started on what Ohio State did to Tennessee,” Gollahalli went on.

“Isn’t this a victimless crime?” CFB News Now asked. Gollahalli doesn’t think so.

“Players, coaches, and spectators have had this idea hammered into them year, after year, after year,” the B1G lawyer said. “We believe the effect of that constant and deceptive piece of communication is significant and quantifiable, and we aim to use the court system to have it addressed,” Gollahalli said.

So what does victory look like for the B1G in this legal tussle? Gollahalli has a couple of ideas.

“First, we’d like a handwritten apology from the SEC, that’s the first order of business. Beyond that, we want the conference to adopt a modified tagline, something more fitting and accurate, like ‘It just means more (in basketball),’ or ‘It means exactly as much as any other conference, or perhaps even less now that Saban has retired.’ Something simple, catchy, but also factually accurate,” Gollahalli conclude.

“I’m just so proud of these guys. They worked hard, obviously, but more importantly, they were DEVOUT. And that goes a long way in my book,” Jesus said via telepathy.

Where is Jesus planning on watching the semifinal vs Penn State, you might be wondering? Well, apparently that’s still up in the air.

“Dad won’t let me hook up the big screen on Fridays, so that’s out. I’d love to try to catch some of it in Rome or Meggido, but I don’t want people to think I’m back, back, you know what I mean? On the other hand, it would also be nice to catch up with some friends, so we’ll see what happens,” Jesus said.

Does his support of Notre Dame express favoritism amongst his terrestrial children that some of his followers might not appreciate? Not exactly, Jesus explained.

“I’ve actually got a little parlay going, including taking Penn State with the points, so my goal is, by game day, it’s a win-win, I can feel good about it no matter what happens,” the son of God concluded.

The tournament—which is fictional, and exists only in the minds of this article’s writer and some random Redditors—began and concluded after two games ended exactly the way everyone who roots against the SEC wanted.

Lane Kiffin wasn’t available for comment but was noticeably avoidant of issuing any snarky, SEC-biased barbs on X (formerly Twitter) as the games played out. Instead, he spent New Year’s Eve re-posting motivational and encouraging Facebook content, largely sidestepping the topic of football altogether.

South Carolina head coach Shane Beamer and Illinois Fighting Illini head coach Bret Bielema nearly threw down mid-game in what most pugilism aficionados would call a weight class mismatch. Illinois would go on to defeat the Gamecocks 21-17.

Michigan, who defeated Alabama 19-13 in what can only be described as one of the ugliest games in college football history, won’t be advancing to the next round because there isn’t one. The Wolverines end the 2024 season with an 8-5 record and riding a two-game winning streak heading into 2025.

“2003, 2004, those are both vacant, so that’s low-hanging fruit,” said Cletus Beauregard, Bama’s 81-year old team historian via landline telephone interview late on Monday. “We look at it like the college football version of squatter’s rights. We’re basically telling the rest of the college football world: ‘Do something about it,’” Beauregard exclaimed.

The full list of newly claimed titles was shared with CFB News Now via fax and can be found below. Notes not appearing in quotations are CFB News Now’s:

• 1897 (A season in which the Crimson Tide played only one game)
• 1955 (Bama went 0-10 that season, but Beauregard notes—without citation—that the official record represents a typographical error in which the wins and losses were simply transposed)
• 1957 (One of Auburn’s two national championship-winning seasons; Beauregard simply noted, “Roll Damn Tide,” next to the year)
• 1966 (Coincidentally the same year Beauregard graduated from Bama)
• 1969 (No reasoning provided)
• 1977 (“Bear deserved a three-peat at some point, doggone it.”)
• 2003 (The first of two consecutive titles vacated by USC; Bama went 4-9 that season and missed a bowl game entirely)
• 2004 (The second of two vacated USC championships; Bama went 6-6 that season)
• 2010 (Auburn’s other national championship season; “Cam Newton doesn’t count,” Beauregard noted)
• 2021 (Beauregard notes that the Crimson Tide beat the eventual national champion Georgia Bulldogs in the SEC Championship game, and thus, through transitive logic, should also be awarded at least a share of the title)

When asked how the new national championship seasons would be displayed within the stadium amongst an already crowded row of 18 other somewhat legitimate titles, Beauregard said simply, “That’s a question for the facilities manager.”