“You can see me? But you’re in Texas? By what magic does this device operate?” asked William Johnson upon joining the FaceTime.

“When I boarded The Machine—and just before closing mine eyes—a newspaper did appear before me which read, ‘Yale wins again! Long may the Bulldogs reign!!!’ after rightfully claiming its sixth national championship in seven seasons. I was of the belief that things would be altered—even drastically so—but it was certainly beyond my estimations that things could change this much,” Johnson said.

CFB News Now took it upon itself to inform Johnson of the myriad changes that have occurred to the game of college football in the intervening 130 years, including the introduction of the forward pass—which was met with an audible gasp from the time-traveller—the evolution of safety equipment, bowl games, racial integration, the emergence (and then recession) of the BCS, the emergence of the dominant south, Alabama’s 12-20 national championships, Nick Saban, skyrocketing coaching salaries, the College Football Playoff, and of course, NIL and the transfer portal.

“I beg your pardon,” Johnson said after a long pause, “but it no longer sounds like the same game that Coach Walter Camp introduced,” Johnson said before dropping the phone and fainting.

“Baaaarfff,” said one Wolverines fan on X (formerly Twitter) shortly after the Ohio State Buckeyes finished off the Texas Longhorns 28-14 in the Goodyear Cotton Bowl semifinal game.

“I’m on Team Meteor,” said another in response.

“Why can’t they both lose?” asked one Redditor on the r/cfbmemes subreddit.

“They may win a national championship, but not a single one from the graduating class at OSU can say they beat the Michigan Wolverines #4inaRow,” said one other X user.

“You had one F*CKING job to do, @TexasFootball.” tweeted yet another X contributor that goes by the username @our_bitch_again.

“Scanning? We’re praying for one,” said Reddit user u/CouldntBeMetho in response to the article title.

So what do astronomers say about the prospect of a celestial occurrence intervening in Michigan fans’ nightmare? Not likely.

“There’s no significant activity expected for the remainder of January,” said Andy Byron, an astronomer based out of New York City via Microsoft Teams late on Monday night.

“Unfortunately for Wolverines fans the world over, it appears that this game will take place as scheduled, and someone’s going to win it,” Byron concluded.