“At around 2 am this morning, police in Los Angeles, Lincoln, Austin, and Columbus were alerted to a disturbance in the already muted spring agenda for college football activities,” said FBI’s Deputy Chief Melissa Overton during a briefing held on Zoom early Monday morning.

“All of the spring games across the country are falling, one-by-one, and so it’s safe to say, the spring game is dead at this point,” Overton confirmed to audible gasps from those left unmuted on the Zoom call.

Was this an isolated incident? And did the assailant act alone, or were there co-conspirators? Details were scant, and Overton was only willing to speculate.

“At this time, and based on the evidence that we have accumulated, we can say with certainty that NIL and the transfer portal are the prime suspects. We received a tip that perhaps the duration of the modern college football season—which has been significantly prolonged due to the new CFP format—might have been involved, but our initial probe has cleared duration of any wrongdoing, which has a solid alibi for its whereabouts during the time in question,” Overton continued.

So what’s left? And what will replace the spring game during the month of April for most college football programs?

“Ohio State is experimenting with a ‘Spring Showcase,’ the contents of which are not clear at this time. Most programs are dropping any kind of spring football activities whatsoever. We can say with 100% assurance that Deion Sanders won’t be using the open Saturday to conduct a recruiting visit,” Overtone concluded before ending the call.

“What can we say, he got hungry,” said CU head coach Deion Sanders during Monday’s media availability.

“What happened was, our training staff skipped breakfast at the hotel in Lubbock, because the Red Roof Inn was out of instant scrambled eggs. No big deal, they’re tough. But once we got back to Boulder, those guys were loading up the washing machines, and BAM, out falls a warm and puffy flour tortilla that Travis had saved during the 3rd quarter. Our trainer was so hungry by that point, he just went for it.”

Coach Sanders said that the trainer, who Colorado refuses to name, hasn’t suffered any gastrointestinal complications yet, but that the Buffs were keeping an eye on him.

Updates will be published as they are received.