“We thought it was an aberration when he was at New Mexico State, but now at Vandy, too? He has, in one way or another, antagonized every citizen of the great state of Alabama,” said Chris Inabinett, Director of Alabama’s Bureau of Investigation. “He’s a menace, and he must be dealt with.”

“We take what happens on the grid iron very seriously here,” said Inabinett, “And nobody, I mean NOBODY, ends their career undefeated to Alabama programs. It’s just unheard of.”

“Is it a crime what he’s done to the football teams of this state?” Inabinett continued. “ABI doesn’t comment on ongoing investigations, but I can tell you this: it’s serious enough that it warrants further inquiry. I’m not saying he’s our top priority right now, but we have long memories ’round here. I can simply say he’s a person of interest, and we’re looking into what prosecutorial remedies might exist to bring him to justice,” concluded the ABI’s top cop.

“He’s really worked hard since being here at Vanderbilt, and it’s showing. This is a huge milestone in his development,” Lea told reporters.

When asked what’s made the biggest difference in Pavia’s ability to only pee in toilets, Lea mentioned a number of factors.

“Well, we used a mix of positive reinforcement techniques. At first, we said, ‘Hey, you make it through an away game without having an accident, you get a treat,’ etc. It took a little while, but I mean, credit to him for putting in the work. The light came on, and now the sky’s the limit.”

Lea continued, “We haven’t had any issues in a couple of months now, so at this point, we’re ready to say we really trust him.”