“People don’t know this, but Matt was a No. 1 pencil guy for his entire tenure in New England. He dabbled with a No. 4 for a hot minute in Detroit, but now, coming back to college, he’s finally making the move to No. 2. Which, of course, is no indication of where he hopes to help the Buckeyes finish this or any season he’s a part of the program,” said Jerry Emig, Ohio State’s Associate Athletic Director of Communications via Google Hangouts early Thursday morning.

What’s informing the change, then? Emig said a number of factors played into the decision.

“First things first, he had to think about availability, he had to think about supply. No. 2 pencils are the definitive required pencil for scantron tests across the entire university world, and so with his return to college, shifting to No. 2 felt natural. He knows there will always be an abundance of No. 2s on and around campus on game days,” Emig said.

“Beyond that, the No. 2 pencil is kind of the perfect hybrid pencil. Nice mix of graphite and clay, so it’s sturdy enough to be reliable, but it can be used for some light sketching, were there ever a game situation that demanded it,” Emig concluded.

“First he skips out on the national championship parade, then he puts on the hat? Does this guy just want to fear for his personal safety when in the state of Ohio?” said Dana Popky, Associate Panel Manager at Pew Research in Washington, D.C. via Zoom remote conference early Tuesday morning.

“These types of surveys are usually pretty mundane, and Arnold has held the #1 spot in most U.S. states for close to 240 years. So to have someone new dislodge Arnold from the top of the list—a freaking college football coach, no less—was a huge surprise for us. If nothing else, it goes to show just how seriously the people of Ohio take football,” Popky said.

“‘Jim Knowles’ wasn’t even on the list of options, he was written in so many times as an ‘Other’ choice,” Popky went on.

What would it take for Benedict Arnold to reclaim the throne? Not possible, says Popky.

“At this stage, I just don’t see it happening,” Popky concluded.

“These guys never saw eye-to-eye on which direction to take their facial hair,” our source said via RingCentral remote teleconference on Monday afternoon. “That dispute lead to an inconsistent and largely competing visual presentation on the sidelines. Ryan’s the head honcho, so that black beard was all most people ever saw, but there was always that set of white whiskers, calling blitzes and stalking the sidelines not far behind.”

“And look, sometimes clashing styles can work. With the season we just had, clearly they were both mature enough to make it work on the field, but we all had a sense early on that this would ultimately be the duo’s undoing. It’s one of those situations where you hate to be right,” the staffer said.

So who had the superior stubble? And should we expect to see a “black out” this fall? The staffer said that was still up in the air.

“Look, it’s no secret: that beard is the source of Coach Day’s power. That’s why he takes such great care of it. That thing isn’t going ANYWHERE,” our source said.

And as for Knowles? The entire Ohio State staff wishes him well.

“With that ghostly goatee, Jim’s going to fit right in during those ‘white out’ games in State College,” our source concluded with a wink.