“We’re just not going to endanger our Longhorns like that,” Sarkisian said via remote Zoom interview early Saturday morning.

“And this is Texas, after all, so we’re busting out the big guns, literally,” Sarkisian said holding up an AR-15 to the laptop camera. The burnt orange weapon was emblazoned with a Longhorn logo on the handle.

The task force, known as the Bovine Guardians, were made famous by their defense of the world’s loan remaining Northern White Rhino. Now, they’ll be protecting a completely different kind of horned creature, a task of similar importance to Longhorn faithful across the state.

“Those guys are seasoned veterans, they know what to do. We basically said, ‘Hey, keep an eye on any suspicious traffic you see coming down I-35, especially from the north.’ We wouldn’t put it past the Sooners to send confederates down here to try to snag some of the young or sick amongst our herd. I mean, remember Brenen and Casey Thompson?” Sarkisian concluded emphatically.

A call to Texas A&M head coach Mike Elko went unanswered, but was followed up shortly thereafter with text message which read, “You know, there’s one other thing they could do to prevent poaching: saw ’em off. #gigem,” Elko said succinctly.

“Most people don’t know that was me in the 1983 cult classic. I get recognized once in a while, but for the most part, I’m able to fly under the radar. I left acting behind in my past life,” said Elko after announcing the news to a crowded press room during media availability on Thursday. “I gave it up to pursue my dream of being a college football coach, but it was always something I figured I would eventually come back to.”

Production on the film, entitled A Christmas Story: There’s Always Next Seasons Greetings is scheduled to start in Spring 2025. How will Elko manage being a movie star and a big-time head football coach at the same time? Multi-tasking, he says.

“Warner Bros has been really supportive during this whole process. They’re just excited to re-boot the franchise, so they offering maximum flexibility to do shoots on-location here in College Station, during practices, during workouts, you name it. Football and holiday cheer, all at once? Does it get any better than that,” Elko concluded.

“Still believe coach is thinking about anything other than November 30th?” the post from Thumbs Up Cakes & Pastries quipped.

“Please, please, PLEASE Aggies, don’t let the sips beat us against Auburn or ruin any more little girls’ birthday parties!” one Instagram user commented.

Elko’s daughter Lauren wasn’t made available for comment, but reportedly wasn’t too upset about the snafu, as there were no cake leftovers at the conclusion of the shindig, and there allegedly exists a shared iOS photo album from the event which includes several pictures of her smiling.

Regardless, it’s one more indication that Elko and the Aggies are singularly focused on preparing for the Texas Longhorns in the regular season finale next weekend.

“A lot of people don’t know this, but in addition to the $75 million buyout, one of the stipulations of the Fisher termination was that he return the imaginary national championship plaque we gave him when his tenure started,” said one Texas A&M booster on the condition of anonymity.

“Which is great, because we left the last two digits open, so the only thing that actually needed to be changed was the name,” he continued.

“Beating LSU just solidifies this program’s trajectory. We figured, why wait?” Our source concluded.