“Who’d have thought that a Texas boy like Quinn would be more of a cat-lover? I think we’re all a little surprised,” said Thomas Stepp, director of communications for the football team.

“They are so cute though, right?” continued Stepp. “I never get tired of looking at kitties either, so I don’t blame him. The more the merrier!”

“A lot of it is exposure, though, right? Did you grow up with cats, or did you grow up with dogs? And now, since joining the SEC, he’s around both pretty much in equal numbers. Every other weekend is a tiger or a bulldog. So it’s just kind of personal preference at this stage.”

“That’s about as scary of a thing as Quinn could imagine, honestly,” Sark said during the injury report portion of media availability on Friday.

“Here’s the story,” coach Sarkisian continued, “Quinn got in early to do some film work, and when he got here, Arch was waiting, he jumps out and yells ‘Aaaaah, GO DAWGS! Sack lunch, nom, nom, nom,’ and that’s what really put it over the edge,” the head coach explained.

“He had a good Halloween idea, and he just took it a little too far, that’s all. It gave Quinn a pretty good fright, and he got twisted up a little bit. Luckily, we’re off tomorrow, so he has plenty of time to heal up before Florida,” Coach Sarkisian said.

Sarkisian wouldn’t comment on whether he believed the Halloween attack was depth chart motivated.

“We thought there would be a clear stand-out by this point in the season, but there just isn’t,” Whalen declared during an impromptu Zoom call earlier in the day.

“Jalen Milroe had it locked up after Georgia, but then Vanderbilt happened. Quinn Ewers had his moment, but it seems that Michigan had replaced its roster entirely with players from Ann Arbor High School, so that one’s out. We like Gabriel, but he doesn’t play for Oklahoma anymore, so he doesn’t qualify. There’s just nowhere for us to turn, at this point.”

When reminded that the trophy didn’t have to go to a quarterback, Whalen seemed puzzled. “Huh…are you sure? That doesn’t sound right.”