“People don’t know this, but Matt was a No. 1 pencil guy for his entire tenure in New England. He dabbled with a No. 4 for a hot minute in Detroit, but now, coming back to college, he’s finally making the move to No. 2. Which, of course, is no indication of where he hopes to help the Buckeyes finish this or any season he’s a part of the program,” said Jerry Emig, Ohio State’s Associate Athletic Director of Communications via Google Hangouts early Thursday morning.

What’s informing the change, then? Emig said a number of factors played into the decision.

“First things first, he had to think about availability, he had to think about supply. No. 2 pencils are the definitive required pencil for scantron tests across the entire university world, and so with his return to college, shifting to No. 2 felt natural. He knows there will always be an abundance of No. 2s on and around campus on game days,” Emig said.

“Beyond that, the No. 2 pencil is kind of the perfect hybrid pencil. Nice mix of graphite and clay, so it’s sturdy enough to be reliable, but it can be used for some light sketching, were there ever a game situation that demanded it,” Emig concluded.

“Let’s run it back,” Bobby Mullins, Associate Assistant Manager of Hydration Dispersal tweeted early Tuesday morning, punctuating the statement with a water droplet emoji and a nut emoji.

“With this many defections, we’ll take what we can get,” said Ryan Day said during Monday afternoon’s media availability.

“He was one of those guys that drew a lot of interest from other programs, even got a couple of conversations going at the next level. But we sat down and had a long talk with him about his future, and really tried to figure out where he wanted to be. At the end of the day, his heart was still here in Columbus, and we’re thankful for that,” Day said.

“Bobby is just one of those lunch pail guys who puts his head down and goes to work, every single day. This team wouldn’t have been able to put together the run it did without Bobby being so dialed in, so we consider this to be a key piece of the 2025 repeat effort,” Day said.

What about both coordinators and all the lost roster depth? Day played those matters closer to the vest.

“First thing first is hydration. We’ve always said that, if you don’t have a water-first football philosophy, you don’t have a chance. So, we’re going to take it one day at a time, and build from what we have,” Day said before concluding the press conference.

“These guys never saw eye-to-eye on which direction to take their facial hair,” our source said via RingCentral remote teleconference on Monday afternoon. “That dispute lead to an inconsistent and largely competing visual presentation on the sidelines. Ryan’s the head honcho, so that black beard was all most people ever saw, but there was always that set of white whiskers, calling blitzes and stalking the sidelines not far behind.”

“And look, sometimes clashing styles can work. With the season we just had, clearly they were both mature enough to make it work on the field, but we all had a sense early on that this would ultimately be the duo’s undoing. It’s one of those situations where you hate to be right,” the staffer said.

So who had the superior stubble? And should we expect to see a “black out” this fall? The staffer said that was still up in the air.

“Look, it’s no secret: that beard is the source of Coach Day’s power. That’s why he takes such great care of it. That thing isn’t going ANYWHERE,” our source said.

And as for Knowles? The entire Ohio State staff wishes him well.

“With that ghostly goatee, Jim’s going to fit right in during those ‘white out’ games in State College,” our source concluded with a wink.

“He’s just got too much baggage around that game at this point,” one Ohio State staffer told CFB News Now via Google Hangouts on the condition of anonymity. “He’s beaten basically everyone else: Oregon, Penn State, both UTs. But the Michigan nut has been a tough one to crack, forgive the pun. Coach is a huge fan of the show, and this just seemed like the perfect opportunity to finally get over the hump against his rival.”

The procedure, based loosely on the hit Apple television show of the same name, is theoretically possible, said neuroscientist Theodore Schwartz via LinkedIn messages on Saturday.

“It could work, and effectively would create an entirely new person—Day’s ‘innie,’ if you will—who would enter the Big House with no knowledge of Michigan’s four-game streak—or it’s accompanying mental edge—over Ohio State. So long as the procedure doesn’t completely sever Day’s knowledge of the game, I think it’s a novel idea worth considering,” Schwartz concluded.

It’s not clear whether Day or Day’s innie—Ryan D.—will be credited as having coached the game, nor how Day’s innie might react to his unnaturally dark beard, but our source on the Ohio State staff said it’s worth the gamble.

“He’s got a natty in the bag, okay. All that’s left is to get some dubs going against TTUN. And, what else can I say: desperate times call for desperate measures,” our source concluded.

The scene, eerily reminiscent of the climactic Danny Ocean-Terry Benedict confrontation from the heist movie Ocean’s 11, was captured on closed caption video and shared exclusively with CFB News Now.

“What happened Day, you get beat by Michigan again or something?” the faux CFP press member said passing Day in the hallway.

“Stop,” said Day, approaching the press member from afar. “I’m going to give you one chance,” Day threatened quietly. “How do I beat Michigan?”

“What if I told you I could get you a win against Michigan, if you would give up the natty…what would you say?” the Michigan man queried.

“I would say ‘Yes,’” Day responded after a brief pause.

“Psych, you’re never beating Michigan” the fan exclaimed, pulling open his jacket to reveal a maize “M” logo on a blue t-shirt. “GO BLUE!” the man shouted before running off down the hallway.

As of press time, Ryan Day and Ohio State athletic representatives haven’t responded to requests for comment. Updates will be made as they are received.

“I’ve never seen anything like the rollercoaster that is the Ohio State fanbase,” said Mark Agnew via Google Hangouts early Sunday morning, a neck brace visible throughout the video conference.

The chart, which is similar to ESPN’s Gamecast win probability tracker, allows viewers to monitor just how likely it is that Ryan Day keeps his job as head football coach at Ohio State.

“If you look here,” Agnew said sharing his screen, “the potential for ‘firing’ maxes out at 96.7% right about the time Jack Sawyer was putting in full effort to defend the ‘O’ midfield logo after the 13-10 loss to Michigan, and Ryan Day was saying, ‘What happened?’ At that point, it was a foregone conclusion that he was pretty much done,” Agnew said.

“Fast-forward a couple of weeks, and then the chart gets back to neutral around the time the Buckeyes were spanking Tennessee. Then, his seat cools off considerably with the Oregon drubbing, and now we’ve maxed out at 99.9% retention with the scoop-and-score ending against Texas,” Agnew said.

So what does all this mean for Agnew’s rooting interests on Monday night when Ohio State takes on Notre Dame for the College Football Playoff National Championship finale? O-H-I-O all day, Agnew says.

“My neck can’t take another whiplash change-of-direction in Ryan Day’s job security, so let’s go Bucks, baby,” Agnew concluded.

“The book of Judith got the axe about 1,700 years ago, but one of the passages speaks of a brutish devil with ruddy cheeks, a dark—but false—black beard, and who claims to be a leader among men. I mean, Judith is just beating us over the head with this one,” Foltz said via X (formerly Twitter) direct message on Saturday.

Foltz said the forgotten text—which he failed to produce evidence of when asked—also speaks of an epic clash between the devil hoard lead by the Antichrist and a group of crusaders wearing green and gold. He believes Monday night’s game in Atlanta, Georgia represents that very conflict.

So does that mean the national championship game carries a little extra weight? A lot more, says Foltz.

“I believe this game is about more than who’s the best team in college football—this game is about the soul of humanity,” Foltz said. “Needless to say, I’ll be taking the Irish not only to cover the 8-point spread, but to win outright, for the fate of all mankind,” Foltz concluded.

“We’re pretty excited to show off one of our most famous sons,” said Manchester’s Director of Economic Development Jodie Nazaka via RingCentral remote meeting. “We think making note of our best-achieving and most fortunate citizens will do wonders for this town’s economy.”

When asked who came up with the idea for the tourism-driving initiative, Nazaka said it was a group effort.

“We’re all football fans in the office, some Buckeyes, some Wolverines, but watching Day’s 5-star-studded team get blanked in the second half and fall to an—at least on paper—inferior opponent in rival Michigan, that really drove the point home. Regardless of collegiate athletic affiliation, this was something we all agreed on,” Nazaka said.

“Not really a surprise with this one,” said Joel Klatt via his YouTube show shortly after this week’s rankings were revealed on Tuesday night.

“We fully expected this to happen on the off chance that the overmatched Wolverines were able topple the Bucks once again in the Horseshoe.”

Klatt continued, “It’s a tough thing to go through, for sure, but at the end of the day, it wasn’t even that cool of a bike. It was a Schwinn—not even a Haro or Dyno VFR—and it was replaced shortly thereafter.”

“Life’s long, there’s still time for the bike theft to be hanging around at the end of this thing, but right now, it’s trending in the wrong direction, so I would have to say I agree with where it’s ranked at this moment in time,” Klatt concluded.