“We’re just not going to endanger our Longhorns like that,” Sarkisian said via remote Zoom interview early Saturday morning.

“And this is Texas, after all, so we’re busting out the big guns, literally,” Sarkisian said holding up an AR-15 to the laptop camera. The burnt orange weapon was emblazoned with a Longhorn logo on the handle.

The task force, known as the Bovine Guardians, were made famous by their defense of the world’s loan remaining Northern White Rhino. Now, they’ll be protecting a completely different kind of horned creature, a task of similar importance to Longhorn faithful across the state.

“Those guys are seasoned veterans, they know what to do. We basically said, ‘Hey, keep an eye on any suspicious traffic you see coming down I-35, especially from the north.’ We wouldn’t put it past the Sooners to send confederates down here to try to snag some of the young or sick amongst our herd. I mean, remember Brenen and Casey Thompson?” Sarkisian concluded emphatically.

A call to Texas A&M head coach Mike Elko went unanswered, but was followed up shortly thereafter with text message which read, “You know, there’s one other thing they could do to prevent poaching: saw ’em off. #gigem,” Elko said succinctly.

“We don’t know how long Paul will be here…we just know that—right now at least—this is exactly where he should be,” said Mary Davies, Clinical Supervisor at Whole Journey via Google Hangouts on Monday morning.

“It’s not just that the SEC is clearly no longer the dominant league in college football…it’s Saban’s retirement, which is something we’ve been digging into with Paul recently. It seems like he never fully processed that when it initially happened,” Davies said.

“And if you follow that thread, there’s some unprocessed disappointment in Saban’s heirs apparent, namely Steve Sarkisian and Lane Kiffin. Paul thought those guys would step up and keep the SEC at the top of the mountain, and it just hasn’t happened,” Davies continued.

So what does healing look like for the long-time SEC prognosticator? Only time will tell, Davies said.

“The road to peace looks different for everyone. Paul is on his own journey, one we’re just honored to be a part of,” Davies concluded.

“Lest I remind you that Notre Dame is an independent, so in my book, with referee Steve Marlowe & Co. being there, we feel comfortable saying this was a Big Ten-SEC championship game,” Sankey said via FaceTime during the first quarter of the Notre Dame-Ohio State game.

“The teams of our conference should have been here—and undoubtedly would have been here—if not for Parker Jones, or if Steve Sarkisian knew what a halfback dive was. Couple little tweaks here and there and it wouldn’t be just the officiating crew that made the trip to Atlanta tonight,” Sankey said.

What does that mean for the SEC’s claim to still being the most dominant league in the sport? Status quo, Sankey said.

“Look, it just means more in the SEC, what don’t you get about that?” Sankey said, apparently beginning to lose his patience.

“Ole Miss woulda beat either one of these teams anyway, so this championship is ours,” Sankey yelled before hanging up abruptly.

“We’re looking at some things, maybe an electric fence that automatically deploys as soon as the clock strikes zero,” said North Carolina’s Director of Field & Turf Conditions Nate Bloomfield. “What little research I’ve done on the matter indicates that those are effective against wolves, so that’s what we’re trying first.”

“Not to get too medieval,” said Kelly Anderson, Ohio State’s Director of Competitive Surfaces, “but we’re looking at some kind of spiked, metal thong-like device, almost like a chastity belt for the field. Something like that to protect the logo’s virtue from those Michigan Men could work.”

“Do we even still have a team?” Asked Florida State’s Facilities & Equipment Manager Scott Addison.

“Until Jimbo’s buyout is done, we’re on a budget freeze. The Longhorns can do whatever they want to the field,” said Texas A&M’s Head of Stadium Conditions Kevin Dunmeister.

“Well, see, you have a field,” said Steve Sarkisian, head coach and offensive coordinator of the Texas Longhorns. “And, you want to use it, like, the whole thing, so…I’m sorry, can you repeat the question?”

“Here’s the deal,” said Lane Kiffin, head coach of the Ole Miss Rebels, “the wide side of the field is the obvious choice, right? You’ve got all this grass, just begging to be used. It’s ripe for activity. Anyway, our opponents know that, so we do the opposite, and always try to catch them by surprise.”

When pushed, Clemson offensive coordinator Garrett Riley got hostile. “I won’t be answering any questions about that, we made that very clear going into this deal.”

“That’s about as scary of a thing as Quinn could imagine, honestly,” Sark said during the injury report portion of media availability on Friday.

“Here’s the story,” coach Sarkisian continued, “Quinn got in early to do some film work, and when he got here, Arch was waiting, he jumps out and yells ‘Aaaaah, GO DAWGS! Sack lunch, nom, nom, nom,’ and that’s what really put it over the edge,” the head coach explained.

“He had a good Halloween idea, and he just took it a little too far, that’s all. It gave Quinn a pretty good fright, and he got twisted up a little bit. Luckily, we’re off tomorrow, so he has plenty of time to heal up before Florida,” Coach Sarkisian said.

Sarkisian wouldn’t comment on whether he believed the Halloween attack was depth chart motivated.

“Look, football is a game about tendencies, and once an opponent shows you a tendency, you have to be ready to exploit it if you’re going to have an edge,” Sarkisian said.

“Now, it didn’t work. We learned later on, the whole team took a bus to the stadium, but still, on the off chance that an athlete was late or missed the bus, we had to be ready for him.”

“We thought we were all set at the quarterback position with Quinn and Arch, but after reviewing the tape, it’s clear we have some students in the stands who belong on the field,” said Texas head football coach Steve Sarkisian.

“I got pelted pretty good with a Dasani bottle,” Sarkisian continued. “But it was a high-level throw, good spiral, good velocity. We’re not in a position to let that kind of arm talent go to waste.”

In a surprising turn of events, the same footage that was used to identify bottle-throwers to revoke their season tickets was also submitted to the football program for talent evaluation purposes.

“My heart goes out to those students who lost their privilege to attend football games,” Sark added, “but for those who make the team, the view is better from the sidelines, anyway.”