“Is this a cocktail party, or what?” Napier began.

“But seriously, we don’t need them to be hammered or anything. Just a little loose, you know, tipsy, interesting to talk to, slightly uninhibited. I think if we can accomplish that, we can make this a much tighter contest,” Napier told a crowded press room.

“We’re, what…17 point dogs? That’s a motivator in and of itself, no doubt. But it sure would help if those guys didn’t know which side of the line of scrimmage they were on,” Napier continued.

“Did you see what they did to Texas sober? Imagine what they’ll do to us,” the head coach concluded.

A decision from the conference is expected by Friday. This article will be updated as new details emerge.