“You can see me? But you’re in Texas? By what magic does this device operate?” asked William Johnson upon joining the FaceTime.

“When I boarded The Machine—and just before closing mine eyes—a newspaper did appear before me which read, ‘Yale wins again! Long may the Bulldogs reign!!!’ after rightfully claiming its sixth national championship in seven seasons. I was of the belief that things would be altered—even drastically so—but it was certainly beyond my estimations that things could change this much,” Johnson said.

CFB News Now took it upon itself to inform Johnson of the myriad changes that have occurred to the game of college football in the intervening 130 years, including the introduction of the forward pass—which was met with an audible gasp from the time-traveller—the evolution of safety equipment, bowl games, racial integration, the emergence (and then recession) of the BCS, the emergence of the dominant south, Alabama’s 12-20 national championships, Nick Saban, skyrocketing coaching salaries, the College Football Playoff, and of course, NIL and the transfer portal.

“I beg your pardon,” Johnson said after a long pause, “but it no longer sounds like the same game that Coach Walter Camp introduced,” Johnson said before dropping the phone and fainting.

“We don’t know how long Paul will be here…we just know that—right now at least—this is exactly where he should be,” said Mary Davies, Clinical Supervisor at Whole Journey via Google Hangouts on Monday morning.

“It’s not just that the SEC is clearly no longer the dominant league in college football…it’s Saban’s retirement, which is something we’ve been digging into with Paul recently. It seems like he never fully processed that when it initially happened,” Davies said.

“And if you follow that thread, there’s some unprocessed disappointment in Saban’s heirs apparent, namely Steve Sarkisian and Lane Kiffin. Paul thought those guys would step up and keep the SEC at the top of the mountain, and it just hasn’t happened,” Davies continued.

So what does healing look like for the long-time SEC prognosticator? Only time will tell, Davies said.

“The road to peace looks different for everyone. Paul is on his own journey, one we’re just honored to be a part of,” Davies concluded.

“Early on, we can talk about how much noise Bama would have made in the 2024 CFP, and then later, after the Crimson Tide have suffered a few surprising losses, we can discuss whether they should be included in the 2025 12-team playoff. It’s that in-betweeny time that I’m worried about,” said Joe Tessitore via Apple FaceTime.

Kirk Herbstreit even had a chance to weigh in, adding, “How much is Bama paying for their roster in 2025? We got quite a bit of mileage out of that for Ohio State last year, so maybe we can explore that a bit?”

“What if we just didn’t talk so much?” said Greg McElroy via iOS message early Sunday morning.

Regardless of which announcing approach is taken this fall, the task of filling the air left by the absence of comments like, “Reminder, folks: Ryan Williams is only 17,” is a challenging one. A CFB News Now analysis of Alabama telecasts found that a full 41% of comments made during Bama games last season in some way pertained to Ryan Williams’ age. The repetition was so consistent that, by season’s end, about as many people could name the current United States president as could tell you that Ryan Williams was 17, one YouGov poll showed.

“I really like basketball,” said Auburn fan John during an in-person interview on Monday. “The way the ball bounces, and stuff, it’s really…it’s really neat. And who wants another football national championship, anyway? That 2010 season with Cam was so special…” John said, his voice and gaze trailing off into distant recollection. “We’ll probably beat Bama in basketball, too, so…so, that’s good,” John said before trailing off again.

“One thing I love about basketball is that the games are all played indoors, so that’s something to get excited about,” said Jenny, a junior at Tennessee.

“Well, the media time outs aren’t as long…which is nice,” said Ole Miss Rebel and Oxford, Mississippi resident Mason, tearing up slightly.

“The games don’t last as long and the tickets are cheaper. But the tailgating sucks, I can tell you that much,” said new Mississippi State basketball fan Adrian.

“We consider the outcome of this college football postseason to be conclusive: it just doesn’t mean more,” said Anil Gollahalli, Chief Legal Officer and General Counsel for the Big Ten Conference via Slack Huddle late on Thursday night.

“The amount of handwringing and ballyhooing about Alabama and South Carolina being left out of the playoff only to see those teams defeated on national television by ‘inferior’ B1G opponents is, frankly, shameful,” the lawyer said.

“Now Georgia has been exposed by Big Ten-adjacent Notre Dame, and all that’s left for the conference is Texas, who not everyone even agrees is an SEC team. And don’t even get me started on what Ohio State did to Tennessee,” Gollahalli went on.

“Isn’t this a victimless crime?” CFB News Now asked. Gollahalli doesn’t think so.

“Players, coaches, and spectators have had this idea hammered into them year, after year, after year,” the B1G lawyer said. “We believe the effect of that constant and deceptive piece of communication is significant and quantifiable, and we aim to use the court system to have it addressed,” Gollahalli said.

So what does victory look like for the B1G in this legal tussle? Gollahalli has a couple of ideas.

“First, we’d like a handwritten apology from the SEC, that’s the first order of business. Beyond that, we want the conference to adopt a modified tagline, something more fitting and accurate, like ‘It just means more (in basketball),’ or ‘It means exactly as much as any other conference, or perhaps even less now that Saban has retired.’ Something simple, catchy, but also factually accurate,” Gollahalli conclude.

The tournament—which is fictional, and exists only in the minds of this article’s writer and some random Redditors—began and concluded after two games ended exactly the way everyone who roots against the SEC wanted.

Lane Kiffin wasn’t available for comment but was noticeably avoidant of issuing any snarky, SEC-biased barbs on X (formerly Twitter) as the games played out. Instead, he spent New Year’s Eve re-posting motivational and encouraging Facebook content, largely sidestepping the topic of football altogether.

South Carolina head coach Shane Beamer and Illinois Fighting Illini head coach Bret Bielema nearly threw down mid-game in what most pugilism aficionados would call a weight class mismatch. Illinois would go on to defeat the Gamecocks 21-17.

Michigan, who defeated Alabama 19-13 in what can only be described as one of the ugliest games in college football history, won’t be advancing to the next round because there isn’t one. The Wolverines end the 2024 season with an 8-5 record and riding a two-game winning streak heading into 2025.

“2003, 2004, those are both vacant, so that’s low-hanging fruit,” said Cletus Beauregard, Bama’s 81-year old team historian via landline telephone interview late on Monday. “We look at it like the college football version of squatter’s rights. We’re basically telling the rest of the college football world: ‘Do something about it,’” Beauregard exclaimed.

The full list of newly claimed titles was shared with CFB News Now via fax and can be found below. Notes not appearing in quotations are CFB News Now’s:

• 1897 (A season in which the Crimson Tide played only one game)
• 1955 (Bama went 0-10 that season, but Beauregard notes—without citation—that the official record represents a typographical error in which the wins and losses were simply transposed)
• 1957 (One of Auburn’s two national championship-winning seasons; Beauregard simply noted, “Roll Damn Tide,” next to the year)
• 1966 (Coincidentally the same year Beauregard graduated from Bama)
• 1969 (No reasoning provided)
• 1977 (“Bear deserved a three-peat at some point, doggone it.”)
• 2003 (The first of two consecutive titles vacated by USC; Bama went 4-9 that season and missed a bowl game entirely)
• 2004 (The second of two vacated USC championships; Bama went 6-6 that season)
• 2010 (Auburn’s other national championship season; “Cam Newton doesn’t count,” Beauregard noted)
• 2021 (Beauregard notes that the Crimson Tide beat the eventual national champion Georgia Bulldogs in the SEC Championship game, and thus, through transitive logic, should also be awarded at least a share of the title)

When asked how the new national championship seasons would be displayed within the stadium amongst an already crowded row of 18 other somewhat legitimate titles, Beauregard said simply, “That’s a question for the facilities manager.”

“And lastly, to the College Football Playoff selection committee, I implore you: consider what the new 12-team format has done to the game. Has it made crowning a champion any simpler or easier?

12 is a fairly awkward number of contenders to assemble to decide a national champion. Six made more sense, eight at the most. You could go to sixteen, but then at that point, it would be incumbent upon anyone who cares about the game to advocate for the elimination of conference championships.

Whatever tweaks you make, we should never have to choose between a conference championship game participant (SMU) and a Bama team that just got smoked by three touchdowns by a (bad) Oklahoma squad. (Thank you for doing what was right this year and keeping Bama out.)”

CFB News Now is in full compliance with authorities and will provide access to additional materials as the investigation demands.

“We’re writing this letter through tear-filled eyes right now. This the most difficult thing we have ever had to do…

Yesterday, the unthinkable happened. We’re still processing things on our end, but unfortunately, Clemson beating SMU means we’re going to have to take a break from this relationship.

It’s not you. We know everyone says that, but seriously, it’s not. We still ranked you 11, but because of the automatic bids granted to the top 5 ranked conference champions—a rule we created specifically for you—you’re going to be the first team out.

We know it probably comes as a shock, it did for us, too. You’re still getting a nice bowl game. (And if you’re curious about what ReliaQuest does, we’re not 100% sure, but it has something to do with artificial intelligence and security. Hopefully, you’ll have time to read up on them before you get to Tampa.)

Anyway, we don’t really know what else to say at this point, except we still love you, we’re just not in love with you any more. Not this year, at least.

Anyway, we’ll think of you always.

Until next season, <3,

The Committee”

“My Dearest Crimson Tide,” the letter opened, “You are everything we could ever want in a CFP contender.”

“You’ve been going through some tough times recently, we get that: there was the surprise at Vanderbilt, whatever happened at Tennessee, and that disaster in Norman, Oklahoma most recently. Things haven’t exactly gone to plan this season.”

“Still, we just can’t quit you,” the letter went on, “and the thought of going through an entire playoff cycle—an expanded one, no less!—without hearing that Ryan Williams is only 17 years old at least fifty times (will he be 18 by then?) is just too much to bear.”

“At the end of the day, we’ve been through a lot together. It was never about Nick, it was alway YOU!!! From Tua relieving Hurts to Devonta Smith’s dismantling of Ohio State…even those tough losses to Clemson. It just wouldn’t be a CFP without you. (We would have put you higher, probably closer to where SMU is at, but we didn’t want anyone to get suspicious, hopefully you’re okay with that.)”

“You could have a hundred losses,” the group note—apparently compiled in Canva—concluded, “and you would still win our hearts.”

The expanded announcement is included below in full:

“I’m at a phase of my life and athletic career where I need to prioritize my future and personal growth. I’m also excited about the opportunity to build new relationships so that I can share that growth freely. (Even though I’m more of a ‘show-er’ than ‘grower,’ but still.)

At the end of the day, the Alabama stable just wasn’t equipped to contain this horse. I’m a thoroughbred, and I need a place that will let me run free.

I would like to reinforce my gratitude to Alabama for giving me this opportunity, especially the DeBoer family, and even more specifically Alexis. I’ll be sure to reach out and send you some pics when I find out where I’m going to end up. Stay tuned!”

“It’s going to be total chaos,” said Middle East historian and Pulitzer Prize-winning author Lawrence Wright via Cisco Webex early this morning.

“We’ve seen this a hundred times: when a strongman like Saban or Saddam exerts control of a region, no one’s happy, but at least we all know what to expect, and that’s total domination, total control.”

“When that regime is toppled, there’s a power vacuum that has to be filled. In college football terms, that means resurgent 5-5 Florida knocks off CFP-allergic Ole Miss, 5-5 Oklahoma makes Alabama look like its squarely in the middle of the Mike Shula era, and Auburn plays with a newfound sense of confidence knowing its overlord rival no longer has a monopoly on power. And Texas A&M, of course, reverts to the mean it knows so well: 8-4,” Wright exclaimed.

What happens next? Anything, says Wright.

“Extremist groups might rise up to seize control, so you might see Vanderbilt start to earn some real respect year-in and year-out. You might see Florida actually turn things around. Missouri might unleash the power of the Ozark tiger. Anything is possible, and we might not like the future we get, even though we all wanted it—except for Alabama fans, of course,” Wright concluded.