“Nearly 300 yards of total offense (including yards rushing, receiving, and passing)? Vomiting on the sidelines between quarters? Scrapping and clawing for every inch for nearly four hours? I thought I was watching John McClane crawl over broken glass through an air conditioning duct to throw Hans Gruber out of a window at Nakatomi Plaza,” said Die Hard producer Joel Silver via Zoom on Sunday evening.

“We’re excited to have him on board because he’s LIVED it, he knows what it’s like to take nearly endless punishment—and keep going—for a whole night. Cam Skattebo knows what it means to die hard.”

What’s the plot of the forthcoming action flick? Silver says that’s still up in the air, but that having Skattebo on board might change the scope a bit.

“It’d be fun to see if we can work some kind of 4th down conversion into the story, or a showdown that happens on the field of Mercedes-Benz Stadium in Atlanta. Something where Cam’s expertise can really shine,” Silver concluded.

“Is it unprecedented? Yes. Is it impossible? We don’t believe so,” said Thomas Stepp, Director of Communications for football via landline telephone on Tuesday.

“They say there’s not enough room for a mascot of his size…well, we’re going to make them say there’s not enough room for a press member of his size,” Stepp continued.

Stepp pointed out that Uga was welcome with open arms at the SEC Championship game in early December, and Sparky the Sun Devil has gotten no push-back either.

“It’s unfortunate that it’s come to this, but this is where we are: desperate times call for desperate measures,” Stepp continued. “What are we supposed to think at this stage except that the Mercedes-Benz Stadium leadership are staunchly anti-bovine,” Stepp concluded.

“It’s sad,” said star running back Cam Skattebo via Instagram chat late on Tuesday night.

“Coach called ahead and made sure the clergy knew Sparky was going to be there, but they still wouldn’t let him in. It’s just sad that in 2024, this is where we are,” the All-American said.

Sparky the Sun Devil, who doesn’t speak, wasn’t immediately available for comment, but the Sun Devils’ head coach Kenny Dillingham said the mascot was deeply affected by the denial.

“He’s pretty beat up about it, but sadly, he’s used to being judged for who he is at this stage,” the 34-year old first-time CFP head coach said via iOS message on Tuesday. “You gotta ask yourself though: would this happen to Duke or DePaul? I don’t know the answer to that,” Dillingham exclaimed.

“We’re looking at alternatives for next season. I respect Mount Carmel’s decision, they are a pillar of this community, but at the end of the day, we’re not a complete team unless all of our team is welcome,” Dillingham concluded.