“It was really a sight to behold,” said Cal Athletic Director Jim Knowlton via FaceTime early Saturday morning.

“It was a fun event, overall, very well-attended and cathartic for this community. Antifa even made an appearance, which was great to see, those guys are doing well,” Knowlton continued.

The event—which was free to attend and promoted across all of Cal Football’s social media channels—also featured “rage” booths where attendees could paint swastikas on the sides of the vehicles and break their windows before setting them aflame.

“Look, Musk’s spiral into right-wing troll has only accelerated. First the salutes, then just yesterday, he re-tweeted some Nazi-sympathy propaganda, so it’s clear at this point bumper stickers aren’t enough. If the University of California and its athletics programs are going to broadcast our virtues to the rest of the world, we needed to take things up another notch,” Knowlton said.

Now that its equipment fleet has been destroyed, what’s the gameplan for replacing the incinerated Teslas? Knowlton and Cal have a plan for that, too.

“We also did a survey of around 200 attendees to get some insights into which Chinese EV manufacturer they would like to see hauling the equipment around next season, and the results were conclusive: Polestar. So, that’s who we’ll be placing an order with in early summer,” Knowlton said before logging off.

“Musk’s evolution from left-leaning tech entrepreneur to Trump supporting provocateur has been nothing short of staggering. We as a university simply can’t abide by that kind of political rhetoric on the part of the CEO of a major vendor, ESPECIALLY during an election year.”

“Since joining the ACC, we’re going to set a record for miles driven for away games. And charging infrastructure in this country has come a long way, so electric is a non-negotiable.”

Knowlton concluded, “In a perfect world, our equipment fleet would be furnished by a Chinese EV manufacturer, but we would settle for like Rivian or Lucid or something. But we can’t make that switch mid-year, so we felt like this was the next best thing.”