“These fans have showed that they’re not afraid to make their voices heard—and their water bottles felt,” said Brian Womack, Texas’ Assistant Athletics Director, Facilities and Operations.

“We got caught with our pants down against Georgia, but that‘s not happening again,” Womack said. “If these people are going to throw trash on the field, we’re going to be damn sure that trash lands in the correct receptacle.”

Will there be penalties actually enforced for trash-throwing fans on Saturday? Not if they make it in the bins—and effectively get the calls overturned, said Womack.

“A home-field advantage is only valuable if it actually impacts the outcome of the game. So as long as they make the bottles and cans in the dumpster, and the refs have enough time to reflect on their errors, we’re going to let is slide,” Womack concluded.

“We’re writing this letter through tear-filled eyes right now. This the most difficult thing we have ever had to do…

Yesterday, the unthinkable happened. We’re still processing things on our end, but unfortunately, Clemson beating SMU means we’re going to have to take a break from this relationship.

It’s not you. We know everyone says that, but seriously, it’s not. We still ranked you 11, but because of the automatic bids granted to the top 5 ranked conference champions—a rule we created specifically for you—you’re going to be the first team out.

We know it probably comes as a shock, it did for us, too. You’re still getting a nice bowl game. (And if you’re curious about what ReliaQuest does, we’re not 100% sure, but it has something to do with artificial intelligence and security. Hopefully, you’ll have time to read up on them before you get to Tampa.)

Anyway, we don’t really know what else to say at this point, except we still love you, we’re just not in love with you any more. Not this year, at least.

Anyway, we’ll think of you always.

Until next season, <3,

The Committee”

“My Dearest Crimson Tide,” the letter opened, “You are everything we could ever want in a CFP contender.”

“You’ve been going through some tough times recently, we get that: there was the surprise at Vanderbilt, whatever happened at Tennessee, and that disaster in Norman, Oklahoma most recently. Things haven’t exactly gone to plan this season.”

“Still, we just can’t quit you,” the letter went on, “and the thought of going through an entire playoff cycle—an expanded one, no less!—without hearing that Ryan Williams is only 17 years old at least fifty times (will he be 18 by then?) is just too much to bear.”

“At the end of the day, we’ve been through a lot together. It was never about Nick, it was alway YOU!!! From Tua relieving Hurts to Devonta Smith’s dismantling of Ohio State…even those tough losses to Clemson. It just wouldn’t be a CFP without you. (We would have put you higher, probably closer to where SMU is at, but we didn’t want anyone to get suspicious, hopefully you’re okay with that.)”

“You could have a hundred losses,” the group note—apparently compiled in Canva—concluded, “and you would still win our hearts.”

“Well, see, you have a field,” said Steve Sarkisian, head coach and offensive coordinator of the Texas Longhorns. “And, you want to use it, like, the whole thing, so…I’m sorry, can you repeat the question?”

“Here’s the deal,” said Lane Kiffin, head coach of the Ole Miss Rebels, “the wide side of the field is the obvious choice, right? You’ve got all this grass, just begging to be used. It’s ripe for activity. Anyway, our opponents know that, so we do the opposite, and always try to catch them by surprise.”

When pushed, Clemson offensive coordinator Garrett Riley got hostile. “I won’t be answering any questions about that, we made that very clear going into this deal.”