“You have two very different kinds of players here, one plays receiver and cornerback, the other is an every down running back,” said one Heisman voter on deep background via Zoom early Sunday morning. “So we had to ask ourselves, in what statistical category was there overlap? The answer was one: the pose.”

When reminded that Ashton Jeanty led the nation in virtually every rushing statistic, our source brushed it off.

“Yeah, but he was only posing after those trademark 70-yard touchdown runs. By the end of the season, Travis was doing the Heisman after first downs, PIs, he even did one after dropping a pass from Shedeur,” the voter continued. “It was really a masterclass in marketing. If you caught any portion of any one of Colorado’s games this year, you were bombarded by images of Hunter striking the pose. For us Heisman voters, by year’s end, that was difficult to ignore,” our source concluded.

“Turkey got too close, it was like crowding Shedeur up against the stuffing table, and Shedeur lost his cool,” said our source on deep background.

“Later though, Shedeur realized it wasn’t the turkey, it was his older brother Deion ‘Bucky’ Sanders Jr. So, Shedeur and the turkey were good, and in fact, he ate one of the legs when he came back for seconds.”

What about Travis Hunter, the odds-on favorite to take home this year’s Heisman Trophy?

“He’s got one thing on his mind right now, and that’s bringing home the hardware. He spent most of the day stealing rolls off people’s plates, and going ‘Pick six!’ while doing the Heisman and then running off. People were pretty tired of it by the time we got to the pumpkin pie,” our source concluded.

“May 9th. 2025. Vegas. She’s. Going. Down.” Said a caption overlaid on top of video of Paul shadowboxing a printed-out image of Coppom in the back yard of his Puerto Rico villa.

“A lot of people don’t know this, but she’s pretty athletic,” said Coppom’s new trainer Art Bonafacio. “She’s got a long, storied history of kicking ass in back yard croquet. And before her hip replacement, she was always a first-round draft pick for potato sack races at the retirement home. She’s got that ‘It’ factor, for sure,” Bonafacio continued.

When asked about her fighting experience, Bonafacio clarified.

“She’s actually never been in a fight, unless you count that skirmish she had with her bridge partner Gertrude last October,” Bonafacio concluded.

“What can we say, he got hungry,” said CU head coach Deion Sanders during Monday’s media availability.

“What happened was, our training staff skipped breakfast at the hotel in Lubbock, because the Red Roof Inn was out of instant scrambled eggs. No big deal, they’re tough. But once we got back to Boulder, those guys were loading up the washing machines, and BAM, out falls a warm and puffy flour tortilla that Travis had saved during the 3rd quarter. Our trainer was so hungry by that point, he just went for it.”

Coach Sanders said that the trainer, who Colorado refuses to name, hasn’t suffered any gastrointestinal complications yet, but that the Buffs were keeping an eye on him.

Updates will be published as they are received.