“I’m just so proud of these guys,” said Mike Norvell in the post game press conference, head coach for the Seminoles. “This whole week we just preached, ‘Believe, believe, believe,’ and it’s clear that message really resonated with them.”

When asked why the offense—which only generated two field goals against an empty Bobby Bowden field—still seemed to be stuck in neutral, Norvell remained focused on the big picture.

“Look, a W is a W. We saw some things out there that we still need to work on, but overall, we were pleased with the effort and the execution on Saturday. Now we’re focused exclusively on Charleston and Florida after that,” Norvell concluded.

“Okay, personnel change announcements here at the end,” said Mike Norvell during Monday’s post-practice media availability, “in addition to Alex Atkins and Adam Fuller, we’re going to be moving on from Julie Ross, head trainer in charge of hydration. You also won’t be seeing Rex, the tee retriever dog anymore. We thank these two for all they’ve contributed to Florida State throughout the years, and we wish them the best.”

When asked who would be serving as replacements, Norvell said it would be a team effort.

“For water, we’re going to be having some scout team guys be in charge. As for retrieving the tee, that responsibility falls on DJ going forward.”

“We had three natty’s during Trump’s first term, Biden gets in office, and all of a sudden, Lord Saban retires? Coincidence? And now look at us. I’m not even sure we’re going to make the expanded playoff!” Said one impassioned Alabama fan.

“This season has just been hard to take, we’re like historically bad, with no end in sight,” said a demoralized Florida State fan. “I think the only thing that’ll turn things around for us is a strong leader at the very top, so that’s why I voted for Trump.”

“The Biden administration has been great to me,” said one Georgia fan with a shrug. “Go Dawgs!” he yelled, and then started barking incessantly.

“I’m not sure what’s behind it, but the City of Tallahassee has really begun to take ownership of picking up after their pets. It’s incredible, really,” Edwards remarked.

A savvy reporter on the call took the opportunity to inform Edwards that the poop-scooping could be related to an internet meme surrounding a Florida State Football fan who offered to eat canine feces if the Seminoles lost to Georgia Tech earlier in the season, and then again against Duke this past weekend.

“They’re doing what with it? They’re ea—you know what, I don’t want to know, all I care about is, they’re not leaving it behind.”

“Everyone has down years, we get that. But, this is like, historic. The potential for lasting damage to the Seminole name is very real at this point,” said Seminole Tribe of Florida representatives via Instagram chat.

“If they end up beating Florida, we can re-visit the conversation at that time,” the representative continued.

“Right now, it’s just the football team we’re talking about. Basketball can stay, they’re actually showing progress,” our source concluded.