“This might just be the evidence we were looking for to prove that Parker was really out to sabotage Georgia in the CFP quarterfinal,” said an irate Georgia staffer on the condition of anonymity via Google Hangouts early Thursday morning.

“The last name ‘Jones’ might throw you off, because it’s clearly Welsh, but our research indicates that Parker’s great great grand-parents might have strayed across the border a time or two,” the staffer said.

What about the Catholic part of the equation? Our anonymous source said religious affiliations so far back are tougher to verify, but that the Georgia faithful are actively working on it.

“With a little help from some web sleuths in the Athens area, we’re going to get to the bottom of it. If it turns out that one of Jones’ forebears was a man or woman of the cloth, I think we’ll have the information we need to go public with our accusations,” the source concluded.

“If I’m being honest, I have no idea. No one does,” said Shaw through slightly slurred speech.

How then are calls made once they go to the remote replay booth? Shaw says that depends on what region the game is being played in.

“I heard the guys out west just have a gold fish in a tank with a line right down the middle, and if, after about 20 seconds, the gold fish is on the left, it’s targeting, if it’s on the right, it’s not. Pretty neat,” Shaw said.

“Then you got the guys down in the SEC who say targeting is like pornography: they can’t define it, but they know it when they see it. God bless ’em,” Shaw said before ordering another old fashioned.

Will there be any updates made to the rule after some questionable and polarizing calls during the 2024 season, including one that kept Miami unbeaten, one that helped Georgia fend off Georgia Tech, and one that helped the Texas Longhorns advance to the CFP semifinals? Shaw was unable to answer questions by this point, and instead laid his head down on one of the reception tables and began muttering unintelligibly.

“We consider the outcome of this college football postseason to be conclusive: it just doesn’t mean more,” said Anil Gollahalli, Chief Legal Officer and General Counsel for the Big Ten Conference via Slack Huddle late on Thursday night.

“The amount of handwringing and ballyhooing about Alabama and South Carolina being left out of the playoff only to see those teams defeated on national television by ‘inferior’ B1G opponents is, frankly, shameful,” the lawyer said.

“Now Georgia has been exposed by Big Ten-adjacent Notre Dame, and all that’s left for the conference is Texas, who not everyone even agrees is an SEC team. And don’t even get me started on what Ohio State did to Tennessee,” Gollahalli went on.

“Isn’t this a victimless crime?” CFB News Now asked. Gollahalli doesn’t think so.

“Players, coaches, and spectators have had this idea hammered into them year, after year, after year,” the B1G lawyer said. “We believe the effect of that constant and deceptive piece of communication is significant and quantifiable, and we aim to use the court system to have it addressed,” Gollahalli said.

So what does victory look like for the B1G in this legal tussle? Gollahalli has a couple of ideas.

“First, we’d like a handwritten apology from the SEC, that’s the first order of business. Beyond that, we want the conference to adopt a modified tagline, something more fitting and accurate, like ‘It just means more (in basketball),’ or ‘It means exactly as much as any other conference, or perhaps even less now that Saban has retired.’ Something simple, catchy, but also factually accurate,” Gollahalli conclude.

“I’m just so proud of these guys. They worked hard, obviously, but more importantly, they were DEVOUT. And that goes a long way in my book,” Jesus said via telepathy.

Where is Jesus planning on watching the semifinal vs Penn State, you might be wondering? Well, apparently that’s still up in the air.

“Dad won’t let me hook up the big screen on Fridays, so that’s out. I’d love to try to catch some of it in Rome or Meggido, but I don’t want people to think I’m back, back, you know what I mean? On the other hand, it would also be nice to catch up with some friends, so we’ll see what happens,” Jesus said.

Does his support of Notre Dame express favoritism amongst his terrestrial children that some of his followers might not appreciate? Not exactly, Jesus explained.

“I’ve actually got a little parlay going, including taking Penn State with the points, so my goal is, by game day, it’s a win-win, I can feel good about it no matter what happens,” the son of God concluded.

“He’s a big animal, and if the 2019 Sugar Bowl is any indication, he doesn’t like bulldogs much,” Sankey said during media availability on Thursday.

“It’s kind of horseshit—scratch that, BULLSHIT,” said one of Bevo’s Silver Spurs caretakers on the condition of anonymity. “Just because Georgia’s mascot is a wimpy little house dog doesn’t mean he should be allowed in while Bevo isn’t,” the Silver Spur concluded. “If that’s not favoritism, I don’t know what is.”

Where will Bevo watch the game, then? It’s still up in the air, but his handlers say they’ll figure out a way.

“Not sure what Atlanta’s sports watching scene is like, but if worst comes to worst, we’ll hook up a big TV and put it outside of his stall,” our source concluded.

“It’s unconscionable,” said Uga’s handler Jim Johnson via text message early Saturday morning. “This is war.”

“It’s a little uncharacteristic of him,” said Smokey’s handler Allison Hart via a follow up phone call. “But we did just change his food because the Knoxville Costco was out of the turkey and sweet potato kibble he really likes. His coat looks great, but he’s been acting a little funny.”

Johnson also added that the Tennessee mascot team failed to scoop the poop they left at midfield.

“Classless,” Johnson added.

When asked about leaving the steaming pile, Hart replied, “THEY were the ones that didn’t have any poop bags in the stadium dispenser!”

Needless to say, there will be no love lost when the two football teams meet today on the recently fertilized grid iron.