“Those who have noticed an uncanny resemblance between Dylan and Mahomes weren’t imagining things,” said 23andMe head of genetics Adam Auton via Zoom.

“Same number, same height, approximately same weight, same general demeanor, same cannon for an arm. Like father, like son,” continued Auton.

When asked how such a result was even possible, Auton said he was as surprised as anyone.

“We’re not 100% sure, honestly. I can’t tell you how we got here, all I can tell you is what the science says. Either way, there’s some explaining that needs to be done in the Mahomes and Raiola households this morning,” concluded Auton.

Nebraska players refusing to shake the hands of the Iowa players before the Heroes game.

[Video via Curtis Feder]

[image or embed]

— Justin VanLaere (@storminspank.bsky.social) November 29, 2024 at 11:21 PM

“It’s unheard of,” said Iowa’s All-American linebacker Jay Higgins in a post-game interview. “When someone asks if you want to do a thumb war, YOU DO THE THUMB WAR.”

When asked if he knew the Cornhuskers would decline the offer to duke it out with their digits, Higgins said he was totally blind-sided.

“We didn’t even get to the ‘1, 2, 3, 4, I declare a thumb war’ part. You have to clasp hands to even get that far, but they just sat there.”

Did the circumnavigation of palms have any effect on the outcome of the game, which Iowa would end up winning 13-10? Higgins said he knew Nebraska was finished even before kickoff.

“If you’re Nebraska, how do you avoid losing twice in one day? You only play one game,” Higgins said with a grin.

“He thought for sure there would be some post-season bowl activity to catch up on when he woke up a few hours before the USC game, but—as every Big Red fan knows—there just hasn’t been much good news to report while he was out,” the bereaved Mrs. Jenkins said.

“His heart just gave out,” she whispered, fading off into a soft whimper.

Sadly, Nebraska became bowl-eligible with its win over Wisconsin approximately two days before Mr. Jenkins flatlined. He never regained consciousness to learn the good news.

His ashes will be spread at Memorial Stadium at halftime of next season’s home opener against Akron on September 6th, 2025.

Memorial services will be held at Butherus, Maser & Love Funeral Home in Lincoln on Friday from 1-4:00 pm. Donations can be made to the Nebraska NIL fund in Mr. Tony Jenkins’ name.

“His first words after waking up this morning were, ‘How many bowl games did I miss?’” said Jenkins’ wife Leslie via Microsoft Teams early this morning. “We only had him for a few moments. Once he heard the answer, he got this shocked look on his face, and then…” tears welled in Leslie’s eyes as she struggled to find the words, “wham, went right back under.”

When asked what she believed it would take to bring back her husband for good, Mrs. Jenkins speculated.

“If you’d have asked me a couple of years ago? I would have said getting rid of Frost. Now? If Matt Rhule doesn’t have the answer, neither do I,” she concluded.

“We’re seeing a huge uptick in adoption of non-football related recreational activities in and around the area,” said Mia Wilken, Events & Program Manager at the Lincoln Chamber of Commerce.

“Especially among young people, and especially on Saturdays, recreational activities around Lincoln are thriving.”

When asked what explained the recent surge in non-football related activities in a community traditionally dominated by football fandom, Wilken speculated.

“We can’t say 100%, but that loss against UCLA might just have been the straw that broke the camel’s back of this tirelessly loyal fanbase,” continued Wilken. “Pickleball, hiking, billiards, interpretive dance, theatrical performance, knitting…if it doesn’t have the potential to break these peoples’ hearts, it’s growing in popularity in the state of Nebraska.”