“It would have been a blockbuster,” said Shannon Person, the TMZ journalist who spearheaded the investigation.

“I can understand why HBO was pushing so hard for it: legendary NFL coach at a new school, beautiful, age-appropriate girlfriend. The star power was just off the charts,” said Person via Zoom.

“They had it all planned out, too. Drake Maye was going to officiate, Tom Brady was set to be Bill’s best man. Sunset in the fall, Carolina Blue everywhere. Bill in an argyle hoody suit, I mean, can you imagine? Alas, it was not meant to be…” Person quietly lamented.

Why were the parties not able to come to an agreement? And was anything else proposed?

“Proposed is exactly right, that was the next line of thinking. After the wedding storyline got 86’d, HBO came back and said, ‘Okay, what if Miss Hudson got on one knee and proposed to Coach Belichick during the season finale?’ Coach and Jordan batted that one around for a while, too, but ultimately declined the proposal idea as well,” Person said.

“At the end of the day, Bill and Jordan are all about the Xs and Os. They don’t want any distractions to take away from the historic year North Carolina Football is about to have, even if that means kiboshing the dream wedding spectacle of the season,” concluded Person.

“Jordan’s a Tampa 2 convert,” said Jessica Hryn, Public Communications Specialist for the UNC football program via Google Hangouts early Tuesday morning.

“That was all she knew growing up in the early 2000s. Then in middle school—about the time the Patriots were notching their fourth and fifth Super Bowl wins—a ruggedly handsome, hoodie-wearing head coach caught her eye, and so did his one-of-a-kind defensive approach. It was then that she really became a student of the game,” Hryn said.

So is the couple’s love for Cover 1 and its “Divider and Position Maintenance” concepts iron-clad? Absolutely not, says Hryn.

“They’re completely aligned, and that includes a defensive approach that allows for flexibility,” Hryn said.

“Look, Cover 1 is the base, and will continue to be the base defense here, but Bill’s approach was always about fluidity, about freedom. Play to your strengths, design the scheme to match your personnel and stifle that specific opponent. The Patriots always led the league in Cover 1 usage, but they weren’t afraid to switch into Match Quarters, Nickel Zone, or Closed Side Fire Zone when the situation demanded it. And Jordan totally agrees, she was able to bring in-depth knowledge about some pretty advanced concepts that were well beyond her years,” Hryn says.

“At the end of the day, many people have asked, ‘What could Bill possibly see in a partner 48 years his junior?’ I think this deluge of information answers that question emphatically: a beautiful football mind,” Hryn concluded.

“He’s all in…if she gets in,” said one UNC athletic administrator on the condition of anonymity.

“At his age, Bill is concerned about convenience, so he wanted to be sure wherever he coached next, he would be able to pick Jordon up after class without too much of a drive.”

So what are we waiting on, then? Well, apparently Ms. Hudson hasn’t been granted admission, yet.

“The School of Nursing is a competitive one, and so we’re not 100% sure she qualifies academically. So, we’re waiting on some additional references—as well as personal guarantees from Ms. Hudson—to ensure Jordon has what it takes be a Tar Heel’r,” the anonymous administrator continued. “If all else fails, the athletic department has tutoring resources Coach Belichick and Ms. Hudson can use as needed,” our source concluded.

“We’re looking at some things, maybe an electric fence that automatically deploys as soon as the clock strikes zero,” said North Carolina’s Director of Field & Turf Conditions Nate Bloomfield. “What little research I’ve done on the matter indicates that those are effective against wolves, so that’s what we’re trying first.”

“Not to get too medieval,” said Kelly Anderson, Ohio State’s Director of Competitive Surfaces, “but we’re looking at some kind of spiked, metal thong-like device, almost like a chastity belt for the field. Something like that to protect the logo’s virtue from those Michigan Men could work.”

“Do we even still have a team?” Asked Florida State’s Facilities & Equipment Manager Scott Addison.

“Until Jimbo’s buyout is done, we’re on a budget freeze. The Longhorns can do whatever they want to the field,” said Texas A&M’s Head of Stadium Conditions Kevin Dunmeister.

Senior Associate Athletic Director Robbi Evans confirmed that Brown couldn’t immediately be located to be told of his termination yesterday, but was later located in the equipment closet curled up in a fetal position and clutching a small Vince Young statuette, whimpering softly and muttering repeatedly to himself “Miss you…miss you…miss you…”

“He’s really beat up about how tenure #2 went here. He did such a good job the first-go round, which obviously allowed him to get the gig down in Austin. He thought when he came back, he’d be able to find that once-in-a-generation talent again to build a program around, and he simply hasn’t been able to do that,” said Evans.

Brown wasn’t made available for comment, but athletic administrators say he is now aware of the news. We’re told he spent the remainder of Monday resting and watching re-runs of the 2005 National Championship game.