“Lane stinks, there’s just no two ways about it,” said Father Olor Fresco, CEO (Chief Exorcism Officer) of Odor Exorcism, the start-up odor eliminator manufacturer.

“When you have that kind of malfeasance leave your program, it leaves a stink. And frankly, a regular odor eliminator just won’t do,” Father Fresco told CFB New Now via Zoom early Monday morning.

The college football world hasn’t been rocked by a coaching departure like this since Lincoln Riley left Oklahoma suddenly for USC a few seasons ago. CFB News Now asked Father Fresco why Odor Exorcism didn’t deploy a “Lincoln Stinks” coupon campaign for Oklahoma fans during that high-profile exit.

“We hadn’t launched yet,” Father Fresco said. “But you can bet your bottom dollar we would have if we’d been around,” Father Fresco concluded.

“We’re just not going to endanger our Longhorns like that,” Sarkisian said via remote Zoom interview early Saturday morning.

“And this is Texas, after all, so we’re busting out the big guns, literally,” Sarkisian said holding up an AR-15 to the laptop camera. The burnt orange weapon was emblazoned with a Longhorn logo on the handle.

The task force, known as the Bovine Guardians, were made famous by their defense of the world’s loan remaining Northern White Rhino. Now, they’ll be protecting a completely different kind of horned creature, a task of similar importance to Longhorn faithful across the state.

“Those guys are seasoned veterans, they know what to do. We basically said, ‘Hey, keep an eye on any suspicious traffic you see coming down I-35, especially from the north.’ We wouldn’t put it past the Sooners to send confederates down here to try to snag some of the young or sick amongst our herd. I mean, remember Brenen and Casey Thompson?” Sarkisian concluded emphatically.

A call to Texas A&M head coach Mike Elko went unanswered, but was followed up shortly thereafter with text message which read, “You know, there’s one other thing they could do to prevent poaching: saw ’em off. #gigem,” Elko said succinctly.

“It’s a shock. We didn’t see this coming, if we’re being honest,” said Brent Venables at Tuesday’s media availability. For the Sooners, it’s just one more in a long list of departures since the transfer portal opened this week.

Boomer wasn’t reachable at press time, but SMU is thought to be his top target. As for Oklahoma, they’ll be looking to the very same transfer portal to beef up the stable going into 2025.

“We’ve got our eyes on some guys that we think can contribute next year. There’s a ranch outside of town with some Shetlands that we’re pretty excited about, and there’s some donkeys we’ve got targeted right now as well. With the right nutrition, with the right offseason weight program, we see potential for development with any one of those guys. We’ll be in a much better position going into next year,” Venables concluded.

“At first, I figured it had something to do with the burgeoning cannabis industry here in Oklahoma, but then I saw the order notes said, ‘Boomer!’ and were supposed to be delivered to the football facility, so I put two and two together.”

When asked what kinds of items Venables favored, the manager said Venables likes a good variety.

“Crunch Wrap Supreme, obviously, everyone loves that. Mexican Pizza, Nachos BellGrande, a lot of the classics,” said the Assistant General Manager.

“I was under the impression that he’s planning on freezing as much as he can to stock up while prices are still reasonable,” the manager concluded.

CFB News Now can only speculate on the effect the added Taco Bell consumption will have on the football team’s plumbing system, but updates will be published as they are received.

“It’s going to be total chaos,” said Middle East historian and Pulitzer Prize-winning author Lawrence Wright via Cisco Webex early this morning.

“We’ve seen this a hundred times: when a strongman like Saban or Saddam exerts control of a region, no one’s happy, but at least we all know what to expect, and that’s total domination, total control.”

“When that regime is toppled, there’s a power vacuum that has to be filled. In college football terms, that means resurgent 5-5 Florida knocks off CFP-allergic Ole Miss, 5-5 Oklahoma makes Alabama look like its squarely in the middle of the Mike Shula era, and Auburn plays with a newfound sense of confidence knowing its overlord rival no longer has a monopoly on power. And Texas A&M, of course, reverts to the mean it knows so well: 8-4,” Wright exclaimed.

What happens next? Anything, says Wright.

“Extremist groups might rise up to seize control, so you might see Vanderbilt start to earn some real respect year-in and year-out. You might see Florida actually turn things around. Missouri might unleash the power of the Ozark tiger. Anything is possible, and we might not like the future we get, even though we all wanted it—except for Alabama fans, of course,” Wright concluded.

“FAU could work,” said Lincoln Riley, beleaguered head coach of the USC Trojans. “Good location and low expectations for football and brisket. I’ve already got a line of communication open with the AD there if this thing continues to go sideways.”

“Gus is on track to wind things up at UCF right about the same time I’ll be done in Norman,” said Brent Venables, head coach of the .500 Oklahoma Sooners. “Plus I’m a big Harry Potter guy, so it’ll be nice to be that close to the amusement park.”

“I would have to say FIU tops my list,” said LSU Tigers head coach Brian Kelly. “Miami is such a melting pot, everyone speaks different languages, it’s nice. No need to learn the lingo to try to fit in.”

“Hold on guys, I’m getting another call,” said Sherrone Moore who logged on late. “What’s that,” Moore could be heard saying in the background. “He flipped? YES!” Turning back to the camera to address the group, Moore exclaimed, “Sorry guys, gotta go,” and logged off abruptly.

“It’s my understanding that American football is really catching on in Mexico, so that’s exciting to hear. And I minored in Spanish when I was at FAU, so I feel pretty good about being able to pick up the play calling and stuff like that,” said Thompson.

“Japan is also an option, it’s getting really big over there. Plus, they don’t have any eligibility restrictions, so I could theoretically play for the next decade or longer,” Thompson commented. “I already have two degrees, so I would be moving on to post-graduate work over there.”

When asked if there would ever come a time when he might stop playing college football, Thompson seemed confused. “Why would I do that?”

“When we saw that, we knew it was time to pull the plug,” said ESPN producer Gil Hawkins.

“The demand for OU football is pretty low already this year, and then you get an out-of-conference match up like this between a struggling blue blood and a CFL farm league team? In the middle of the SEC schedule? Some of the coaches weren’t even watching.”

OU’s fall from grace in 2024 has been precipitous, and the ratings reflect that.

“Weed is having a moment in Oklahoma right now, which is obviously exciting for the people and the economy of this state, but I mean, OU football is usually king. Well, not today, it wasn’t,” concluded Hawkins.