“Lane stinks, there’s just no two ways about it,” said Father Olor Fresco, CEO (Chief Exorcism Officer) of Odor Exorcism, the start-up odor eliminator manufacturer.

“When you have that kind of malfeasance leave your program, it leaves a stink. And frankly, a regular odor eliminator just won’t do,” Father Fresco told CFB New Now via Zoom early Monday morning.

The college football world hasn’t been rocked by a coaching departure like this since Lincoln Riley left Oklahoma suddenly for USC a few seasons ago. CFB News Now asked Father Fresco why Odor Exorcism didn’t deploy a “Lincoln Stinks” coupon campaign for Oklahoma fans during that high-profile exit.

“We hadn’t launched yet,” Father Fresco said. “But you can bet your bottom dollar we would have if we’d been around,” Father Fresco concluded.

“We don’t know how long Paul will be here…we just know that—right now at least—this is exactly where he should be,” said Mary Davies, Clinical Supervisor at Whole Journey via Google Hangouts on Monday morning.

“It’s not just that the SEC is clearly no longer the dominant league in college football…it’s Saban’s retirement, which is something we’ve been digging into with Paul recently. It seems like he never fully processed that when it initially happened,” Davies said.

“And if you follow that thread, there’s some unprocessed disappointment in Saban’s heirs apparent, namely Steve Sarkisian and Lane Kiffin. Paul thought those guys would step up and keep the SEC at the top of the mountain, and it just hasn’t happened,” Davies continued.

So what does healing look like for the long-time SEC prognosticator? Only time will tell, Davies said.

“The road to peace looks different for everyone. Paul is on his own journey, one we’re just honored to be a part of,” Davies concluded.

“I really like basketball,” said Auburn fan John during an in-person interview on Monday. “The way the ball bounces, and stuff, it’s really…it’s really neat. And who wants another football national championship, anyway? That 2010 season with Cam was so special…” John said, his voice and gaze trailing off into distant recollection. “We’ll probably beat Bama in basketball, too, so…so, that’s good,” John said before trailing off again.

“One thing I love about basketball is that the games are all played indoors, so that’s something to get excited about,” said Jenny, a junior at Tennessee.

“Well, the media time outs aren’t as long…which is nice,” said Ole Miss Rebel and Oxford, Mississippi resident Mason, tearing up slightly.

“The games don’t last as long and the tickets are cheaper. But the tailgating sucks, I can tell you that much,” said new Mississippi State basketball fan Adrian.

“I’m just so proud of these guys, they worked hard all year long for a chance to say they would have beaten any one of the teams who actually made the playoff, and now they can say, they would have been #1,” head coach Lane Kiffin said during the CFP post-game conference via Microsoft Teams video conference.

Ole Miss All-SEC quarterback Jaxson Dart would have thrown for 386 yards and 4 touchdowns against Ohio State or 291 yards, 3 touchdowns, and 1 interception against Notre Dame, who has a little tougher passing defense. He would have added 42 yards on the ground against Ohio State or 57 rushing yards and a score against Notre Dame.

The hypothetical national championship games conclude a four-game win-streak Ole Miss theoretically would have gone on to blaze a trail through the first-ever 12-team college football playoff which would have included victories over Texas, Boise State and Penn State.

A parade is planned for Saturday in Oxford, Mississippi followed by a hypothetical banner-hanging thereafter.

“Lest I remind you that Notre Dame is an independent, so in my book, with referee Steve Marlowe & Co. being there, we feel comfortable saying this was a Big Ten-SEC championship game,” Sankey said via FaceTime during the first quarter of the Notre Dame-Ohio State game.

“The teams of our conference should have been here—and undoubtedly would have been here—if not for Parker Jones, or if Steve Sarkisian knew what a halfback dive was. Couple little tweaks here and there and it wouldn’t be just the officiating crew that made the trip to Atlanta tonight,” Sankey said.

What does that mean for the SEC’s claim to still being the most dominant league in the sport? Status quo, Sankey said.

“Look, it just means more in the SEC, what don’t you get about that?” Sankey said, apparently beginning to lose his patience.

“Ole Miss woulda beat either one of these teams anyway, so this championship is ours,” Sankey yelled before hanging up abruptly.

“It’s the only explanation for why the sarcastic tweets stopped,” said an ACC deputy conference commissioner on deep background via telephone call early on Sunday morning.

“Clearly, if Kiffin was being intellectually consistent—as he always tends to be—he would have continued lambasting the CFP for poor selections when it became clear that even conference peer Tennessee was in for a world-class ass-kicking by 8-seed Ohio State. The only explanation that makes sense is that he couldn’t locate his phone,” our source speculated.

Where does she think Kiffin’s phone got lost? There are a number of possibilities, our source said.

“The couch is the obvious one, and so if I were Kiffin, I would start my search there. He also could have dropped his phone in a bowl of tomato soup, which is a cozy winter time meal to eat while watching football. He may have dropped the phone while jumping up and cheering for Tennessee. Anything is possible,” our source concluded.

Emails to Kiffin and his wife Layla weren’t returned, but updates will be published as they develop.

“Well, see, you have a field,” said Steve Sarkisian, head coach and offensive coordinator of the Texas Longhorns. “And, you want to use it, like, the whole thing, so…I’m sorry, can you repeat the question?”

“Here’s the deal,” said Lane Kiffin, head coach of the Ole Miss Rebels, “the wide side of the field is the obvious choice, right? You’ve got all this grass, just begging to be used. It’s ripe for activity. Anyway, our opponents know that, so we do the opposite, and always try to catch them by surprise.”

When pushed, Clemson offensive coordinator Garrett Riley got hostile. “I won’t be answering any questions about that, we made that very clear going into this deal.”

“He’s running really hard right now,” said Rebels head coach Lane Kiffin. “We knew he was fast, we knew he was tough, but we didn’t really expect to have to use him today. But with Jaxson getting his ankle tweaked and a couple of other injuries, it was a sigh of relief to have a guy like that step up.”

The squirrel found an acorn and then ran into the locker room after his last carry. It’s unclear if we can expect to see more of him in the second half.

Ole Miss leads 13-7 at press time.