“We’re close,” said one Oregon football staffer on deep background via Zoom late Wednesday night.

“But the truth is, we’re in an equipment and facilities arms race here, and we’re losing,” the staffer told CFB News Now.

Oregon’s Hatfield-Dowlin Complex—already considered one of the most impressive structures in collegiate athletics—is currently under construction on an expansion project called 2.MO. According to Lanning and our anonymous source, 2.MO isn’t quite enough.

“Do these players have personalized hover boards? No, they still have to walk between the facilities. And outdoors, no less. Does each player have their own spa and tailored relaxation regimen? No, they don’t. So, as you can see, we’ve made progress, but we still have a ways to go,” the staffer said.

Are these types of amenities really what’s holding Oregon back from taking that next step? Absolutely, said our source.

“The coaching, the community support, it’s always been there. But until these players feel like they are on perpetual vacation at the White Lotus—24 hours a day, 365 days per year—I just don’t see this program taking the next step,” our source concluded.

“I’ve never seen anything like the rollercoaster that is the Ohio State fanbase,” said Mark Agnew via Google Hangouts early Sunday morning, a neck brace visible throughout the video conference.

The chart, which is similar to ESPN’s Gamecast win probability tracker, allows viewers to monitor just how likely it is that Ryan Day keeps his job as head football coach at Ohio State.

“If you look here,” Agnew said sharing his screen, “the potential for ‘firing’ maxes out at 96.7% right about the time Jack Sawyer was putting in full effort to defend the ‘O’ midfield logo after the 13-10 loss to Michigan, and Ryan Day was saying, ‘What happened?’ At that point, it was a foregone conclusion that he was pretty much done,” Agnew said.

“Fast-forward a couple of weeks, and then the chart gets back to neutral around the time the Buckeyes were spanking Tennessee. Then, his seat cools off considerably with the Oregon drubbing, and now we’ve maxed out at 99.9% retention with the scoop-and-score ending against Texas,” Agnew said.

So what does all this mean for Agnew’s rooting interests on Monday night when Ohio State takes on Notre Dame for the College Football Playoff National Championship finale? O-H-I-O all day, Agnew says.

“My neck can’t take another whiplash change-of-direction in Ryan Day’s job security, so let’s go Bucks, baby,” Agnew concluded.

“We did egg shells last year, for God’s sake. Like, we’re already scraping the bottom of the barrel of ideas,” said Seth Johnson, Oregon’s Director of Outfits & Apparel.

“The other thing we had to think about, at this point, is lead times. When you wait this long, you have to consider what kind of textiles are available, and what kind of turnaround times we’re looking at. Luckily, Patagonia had an oversupply of exactly what we needed, so we’re good.”

When asked how the new duds might affect the team’s on-the-field performance, Johnson said, “Well, they’re already playing well. And these guys care about more than football, so they’ll appreciate the versatility to be able to hit the hiking trail after games, or to load up the Subaru and head straight to the campsite. Function over form, baby,” Johnson concluded.

“We thought there would be a clear stand-out by this point in the season, but there just isn’t,” Whalen declared during an impromptu Zoom call earlier in the day.

“Jalen Milroe had it locked up after Georgia, but then Vanderbilt happened. Quinn Ewers had his moment, but it seems that Michigan had replaced its roster entirely with players from Ann Arbor High School, so that one’s out. We like Gabriel, but he doesn’t play for Oklahoma anymore, so he doesn’t qualify. There’s just nowhere for us to turn, at this point.”

When reminded that the trophy didn’t have to go to a quarterback, Whalen seemed puzzled. “Huh…are you sure? That doesn’t sound right.”