“First he skips out on the national championship parade, then he puts on the hat? Does this guy just want to fear for his personal safety when in the state of Ohio?” said Dana Popky, Associate Panel Manager at Pew Research in Washington, D.C. via Zoom remote conference early Tuesday morning.

“These types of surveys are usually pretty mundane, and Arnold has held the #1 spot in most U.S. states for close to 240 years. So to have someone new dislodge Arnold from the top of the list—a freaking college football coach, no less—was a huge surprise for us. If nothing else, it goes to show just how seriously the people of Ohio take football,” Popky said.

“‘Jim Knowles’ wasn’t even on the list of options, he was written in so many times as an ‘Other’ choice,” Popky went on.

What would it take for Benedict Arnold to reclaim the throne? Not possible, says Popky.

“At this stage, I just don’t see it happening,” Popky concluded.

“These guys never saw eye-to-eye on which direction to take their facial hair,” our source said via RingCentral remote teleconference on Monday afternoon. “That dispute lead to an inconsistent and largely competing visual presentation on the sidelines. Ryan’s the head honcho, so that black beard was all most people ever saw, but there was always that set of white whiskers, calling blitzes and stalking the sidelines not far behind.”

“And look, sometimes clashing styles can work. With the season we just had, clearly they were both mature enough to make it work on the field, but we all had a sense early on that this would ultimately be the duo’s undoing. It’s one of those situations where you hate to be right,” the staffer said.

So who had the superior stubble? And should we expect to see a “black out” this fall? The staffer said that was still up in the air.

“Look, it’s no secret: that beard is the source of Coach Day’s power. That’s why he takes such great care of it. That thing isn’t going ANYWHERE,” our source said.

And as for Knowles? The entire Ohio State staff wishes him well.

“With that ghostly goatee, Jim’s going to fit right in during those ‘white out’ games in State College,” our source concluded with a wink.

“I’m just so proud of these guys, they worked hard all year long for a chance to say they would have beaten any one of the teams who actually made the playoff, and now they can say, they would have been #1,” head coach Lane Kiffin said during the CFP post-game conference via Microsoft Teams video conference.

Ole Miss All-SEC quarterback Jaxson Dart would have thrown for 386 yards and 4 touchdowns against Ohio State or 291 yards, 3 touchdowns, and 1 interception against Notre Dame, who has a little tougher passing defense. He would have added 42 yards on the ground against Ohio State or 57 rushing yards and a score against Notre Dame.

The hypothetical national championship games conclude a four-game win-streak Ole Miss theoretically would have gone on to blaze a trail through the first-ever 12-team college football playoff which would have included victories over Texas, Boise State and Penn State.

A parade is planned for Saturday in Oxford, Mississippi followed by a hypothetical banner-hanging thereafter.

“People are absolutely stoked right now, and they are praying harder than ever,” said Bishop Kevin C. Rhoades via confessional booth late on Sunday evening.

Capacity for all churches within the diocese amounts to around 93,000—which would be considered small-ish by SEC standards—however, Rhoades says every church within his diocese’ boundary was standing-room only after Notre Dame‘s thrilling 27-24 victory over Penn State.

“We had to bring in some temporary bleacher seating to accommodate the onslaught of new believers,” Rhoades went on.

As for the attendees, what did the composition of the newly devout look like? Rhoades said it was a nice mix of people from all walks of life.

“We’re seeing enthusiasm from across the life spectrum: young people, old people, and everyone in between. You have to remember, it’s been nearly 40 years since the Irish finished on top of the college football world at the end of the season, and now that Catholic football fans are starting to see the fruits of their prayers on the field, they’re realizing the power of prayer, and they’re coming back in droves,” Rhoades said.

So what’s the lesson from all of this at the end of the day? Rhoades said simply, “Wining cures all,” before concluding the confession.

“He’s very excited about how this season has panned out. He doesn’t want to say, ‘I told ya so,’ but he had it on good authority that this was going to be a special one,” said a Vatican representative on deep background via Skype early on Friday morning.

“The last time the Irish won it all, the pope was just a bishop, so to be the first pope that presided over a natty, that’s something he would take great pride in.”

How did el jefe decide which piece of art would need to come down to make room? With deep introspection, our source said.

“His first instinct was Jesus, because we have so many of those hanging around, but he didn’t want to upset the big guy. Mary was out of the question, too sacred. Joe was a great guy, did a lot for this congregation, helped raise a kid that wasn’t even his with complete selflessness, but at the end of the day, he’s kind of like Catholicism’s sixth man. He comes off the bench, contributes a lot, but he’s not a super star, you know?” our source concluded.

“Dang it. I was really hoping coach Freeman would be there,” said Dan Le Batard, famous sports journalist and Miami native.

“I can’t imagine why he wouldn’t be making an appearance,” Le Batard said incredulously via iOS messages on Thursday. “Does he have somewhere else to be or something? What could be more important than Casino Night?!”

As of press time, it’s unclear if Penn State head coach James Franklin will be attending the event, as his demeanor as captured on the same video was not as conclusively appalled as Freeman’s.

Updates will be published as they are received.

“I’m just so proud of these guys. They worked hard, obviously, but more importantly, they were DEVOUT. And that goes a long way in my book,” Jesus said via telepathy.

Where is Jesus planning on watching the semifinal vs Penn State, you might be wondering? Well, apparently that’s still up in the air.

“Dad won’t let me hook up the big screen on Fridays, so that’s out. I’d love to try to catch some of it in Rome or Meggido, but I don’t want people to think I’m back, back, you know what I mean? On the other hand, it would also be nice to catch up with some friends, so we’ll see what happens,” Jesus said.

Does his support of Notre Dame express favoritism amongst his terrestrial children that some of his followers might not appreciate? Not exactly, Jesus explained.

“I’ve actually got a little parlay going, including taking Penn State with the points, so my goal is, by game day, it’s a win-win, I can feel good about it no matter what happens,” the son of God concluded.

“We thought the first weekend of December was totally safe. We never have a game during conference championship week! Even as late as last week, we were sure we’d be there,” Franklin’s spouse confirmed to CFB News Now.

“Then, watching The Game unfold, you got this weird feeling—even when the Bucks tied it up—that it just wasn’t going to go our way.”

“The saddest part is, it’s my oldest niece, and she hasn’t ever had good luck when it comes to the romance department, so we were very excited to be there. They have a beautiful venue just outside of Pittsburgh booked, and the menu looked solid as well—fish and a steak, with mashed potatoes, yum!—so it’s a bit of a let down,” Fumi concluded.

“He said some things he didn’t mean,” said a publicist for the CFP on the condition of anonymity.

“Bella was pushing him on why BYU moved up three spots after barely winning—some would argue, losing—the Holy War against Utah last weekend. He really didn’t have an answer for that,” our source continued.

“Then there’s Penn State who couldn’t win a top-5 game against a scout team. Which, when you put it that way, actually makes some sense where they ended up. And don’t even get her started on Mizzou…”

“Needless to say, Bella brought up some good points. You can bet that her messy little fingerprints will undoubtedly be all over future rankings,” our source concluded.

“I can tell you this,” McEnany told the show hosts via Zoom, “President Trump was all-in when this important American game was scheduled at night, as was the original plan. If we’re being completely honest, he thought ‘white out’ meant something else entirely, so moving it to the Fox Big Noon slot was kind of a non-starter for him.”

When asked how the former president would be filling his Saturday, McEnany offered scant details.

“Well, he has a couple of options: he might pick up a shift at McDonald’s in one of the other battleground states, or he might try to squeeze 18 in. Depends on what the polls say on Friday,” McEnany concluded.