“I know ties aren’t a thing anymore, but man…I sure wish they were,” said Connor Caplan, a mechanical engineering student and frequent breakfast club organizer.

“On the one hand, you have Notre Dame, a football school with a bunch of fans who didn’t go there. On the other hand, you can’t spell ‘FAILURE’ without IU,” said a clearly inebriated Kelly McIntyre, a junior in the environmental sciences school. “Boiler up!” she shouted as she chased a mouthful of popcorn down with a shot of 151.

“Why couldn’t we have some kind of weather event in South Bend?” said Purdue alum Jeff Williams over a pitcher of beer. “Nothing serious, not with anyone getting hurt or anything, but just enough to postpone the game, like…forever,” Williams concluded.

“I’m already at the part of the movie where the efficiency experts ‘fix the glitch,’ which is what we’ve now done. Coach Walters has been removed from ADP, and my hope is, it’s not too long before he gets the hint,” Bobinski said in front of a sparse crowd of sports journalists at the Mollenkopf Athletic Center. “After that, he’s getting moved down to the basement.”

“To all the Purdue faithful who are frustrated with the state of the football team, please know we are frustrated, too, and actively doing something about it, in the most passive way possible,” Bobinski continued.

“What if the unorthodox termination approach doesn’t work?” one inquisitive press member asked. Bobinski has a plan for that, too.

“He’s got this Swingline stapler that he really loves. If the pay cutoff doesn’t do it, that thing getting ghosted certainly will,” Bobinski concluded.