“I really like basketball,” said Auburn fan John during an in-person interview on Monday. “The way the ball bounces, and stuff, it’s really…it’s really neat. And who wants another football national championship, anyway? That 2010 season with Cam was so special…” John said, his voice and gaze trailing off into distant recollection. “We’ll probably beat Bama in basketball, too, so…so, that’s good,” John said before trailing off again.

“One thing I love about basketball is that the games are all played indoors, so that’s something to get excited about,” said Jenny, a junior at Tennessee.

“Well, the media time outs aren’t as long…which is nice,” said Ole Miss Rebel and Oxford, Mississippi resident Mason, tearing up slightly.

“The games don’t last as long and the tickets are cheaper. But the tailgating sucks, I can tell you that much,” said new Mississippi State basketball fan Adrian.

“He’s just got too much baggage around that game at this point,” one Ohio State staffer told CFB News Now via Google Hangouts on the condition of anonymity. “He’s beaten basically everyone else: Oregon, Penn State, both UTs. But the Michigan nut has been a tough one to crack, forgive the pun. Coach is a huge fan of the show, and this just seemed like the perfect opportunity to finally get over the hump against his rival.”

The procedure, based loosely on the hit Apple television show of the same name, is theoretically possible, said neuroscientist Theodore Schwartz via LinkedIn messages on Saturday.

“It could work, and effectively would create an entirely new person—Day’s ‘innie,’ if you will—who would enter the Big House with no knowledge of Michigan’s four-game streak—or it’s accompanying mental edge—over Ohio State. So long as the procedure doesn’t completely sever Day’s knowledge of the game, I think it’s a novel idea worth considering,” Schwartz concluded.

It’s not clear whether Day or Day’s innie—Ryan D.—will be credited as having coached the game, nor how Day’s innie might react to his unnaturally dark beard, but our source on the Ohio State staff said it’s worth the gamble.

“He’s got a natty in the bag, okay. All that’s left is to get some dubs going against TTUN. And, what else can I say: desperate times call for desperate measures,” our source concluded.

“I’ve never seen anything like the rollercoaster that is the Ohio State fanbase,” said Mark Agnew via Google Hangouts early Sunday morning, a neck brace visible throughout the video conference.

The chart, which is similar to ESPN’s Gamecast win probability tracker, allows viewers to monitor just how likely it is that Ryan Day keeps his job as head football coach at Ohio State.

“If you look here,” Agnew said sharing his screen, “the potential for ‘firing’ maxes out at 96.7% right about the time Jack Sawyer was putting in full effort to defend the ‘O’ midfield logo after the 13-10 loss to Michigan, and Ryan Day was saying, ‘What happened?’ At that point, it was a foregone conclusion that he was pretty much done,” Agnew said.

“Fast-forward a couple of weeks, and then the chart gets back to neutral around the time the Buckeyes were spanking Tennessee. Then, his seat cools off considerably with the Oregon drubbing, and now we’ve maxed out at 99.9% retention with the scoop-and-score ending against Texas,” Agnew said.

So what does all this mean for Agnew’s rooting interests on Monday night when Ohio State takes on Notre Dame for the College Football Playoff National Championship finale? O-H-I-O all day, Agnew says.

“My neck can’t take another whiplash change-of-direction in Ryan Day’s job security, so let’s go Bucks, baby,” Agnew concluded.

“We consider the outcome of this college football postseason to be conclusive: it just doesn’t mean more,” said Anil Gollahalli, Chief Legal Officer and General Counsel for the Big Ten Conference via Slack Huddle late on Thursday night.

“The amount of handwringing and ballyhooing about Alabama and South Carolina being left out of the playoff only to see those teams defeated on national television by ‘inferior’ B1G opponents is, frankly, shameful,” the lawyer said.

“Now Georgia has been exposed by Big Ten-adjacent Notre Dame, and all that’s left for the conference is Texas, who not everyone even agrees is an SEC team. And don’t even get me started on what Ohio State did to Tennessee,” Gollahalli went on.

“Isn’t this a victimless crime?” CFB News Now asked. Gollahalli doesn’t think so.

“Players, coaches, and spectators have had this idea hammered into them year, after year, after year,” the B1G lawyer said. “We believe the effect of that constant and deceptive piece of communication is significant and quantifiable, and we aim to use the court system to have it addressed,” Gollahalli said.

So what does victory look like for the B1G in this legal tussle? Gollahalli has a couple of ideas.

“First, we’d like a handwritten apology from the SEC, that’s the first order of business. Beyond that, we want the conference to adopt a modified tagline, something more fitting and accurate, like ‘It just means more (in basketball),’ or ‘It means exactly as much as any other conference, or perhaps even less now that Saban has retired.’ Something simple, catchy, but also factually accurate,” Gollahalli conclude.

“It’s the only explanation for why the sarcastic tweets stopped,” said an ACC deputy conference commissioner on deep background via telephone call early on Sunday morning.

“Clearly, if Kiffin was being intellectually consistent—as he always tends to be—he would have continued lambasting the CFP for poor selections when it became clear that even conference peer Tennessee was in for a world-class ass-kicking by 8-seed Ohio State. The only explanation that makes sense is that he couldn’t locate his phone,” our source speculated.

Where does she think Kiffin’s phone got lost? There are a number of possibilities, our source said.

“The couch is the obvious one, and so if I were Kiffin, I would start my search there. He also could have dropped his phone in a bowl of tomato soup, which is a cozy winter time meal to eat while watching football. He may have dropped the phone while jumping up and cheering for Tennessee. Anything is possible,” our source concluded.

Emails to Kiffin and his wife Layla weren’t returned, but updates will be published as they develop.

“We’re confident the Bucks will win, but in the off-chance Tennessee gets out of here with the W, they won’t be planting any flags at midfield after the clock strikes 0:00,” said Ohio State’s Director of Stadium Security Jack Rich on Friday morning via Slack Huddle.

When asked if Ohio State’s TSA-style measures—which include a high-tech fabric detector, frisking, and random clothing removal—bordered on invasive, Rich said his security team was in full compliance with the standards and regulations set out both at the state and national level. He followed up with an appeal to rationality, stating that the new policy isn’t as restrictive as it initially sounds.

“They can still bring in flag poles, they can have moderately sized pennants, et cetera. I’m not sure if Tennessee is one of those towel-waving schools, but if they are, those are fair game as well,” Rich concluded.

“My Dearest Crimson Tide,” the letter opened, “You are everything we could ever want in a CFP contender.”

“You’ve been going through some tough times recently, we get that: there was the surprise at Vanderbilt, whatever happened at Tennessee, and that disaster in Norman, Oklahoma most recently. Things haven’t exactly gone to plan this season.”

“Still, we just can’t quit you,” the letter went on, “and the thought of going through an entire playoff cycle—an expanded one, no less!—without hearing that Ryan Williams is only 17 years old at least fifty times (will he be 18 by then?) is just too much to bear.”

“At the end of the day, we’ve been through a lot together. It was never about Nick, it was alway YOU!!! From Tua relieving Hurts to Devonta Smith’s dismantling of Ohio State…even those tough losses to Clemson. It just wouldn’t be a CFP without you. (We would have put you higher, probably closer to where SMU is at, but we didn’t want anyone to get suspicious, hopefully you’re okay with that.)”

“You could have a hundred losses,” the group note—apparently compiled in Canva—concluded, “and you would still win our hearts.”

“Well would you look at that,” Nico Iamaleava captioned the noteworthy image around 7 am.

“Can’t believe it. The embroiderers needed three tries to get it right on my jersey, this is insane,” the comment concluded.

It wasn’t clear if the barista in question is an unusually good speller or just a Volunteers football super fan, but subsequent evidence is pointing to the latter. Shortly thereafter, it was revealed that a guest named “Lauren” behind Iamaleava still had her name misspelled by the same coffee grinder.

Updates will be published as they’re received.

“It’s unconscionable,” said Uga’s handler Jim Johnson via text message early Saturday morning. “This is war.”

“It’s a little uncharacteristic of him,” said Smokey’s handler Allison Hart via a follow up phone call. “But we did just change his food because the Knoxville Costco was out of the turkey and sweet potato kibble he really likes. His coat looks great, but he’s been acting a little funny.”

Johnson also added that the Tennessee mascot team failed to scoop the poop they left at midfield.

“Classless,” Johnson added.

When asked about leaving the steaming pile, Hart replied, “THEY were the ones that didn’t have any poop bags in the stadium dispenser!”

Needless to say, there will be no love lost when the two football teams meet today on the recently fertilized grid iron.