“Most people don’t know that was me in the 1983 cult classic. I get recognized once in a while, but for the most part, I’m able to fly under the radar. I left acting behind in my past life,” said Elko after announcing the news to a crowded press room during media availability on Thursday. “I gave it up to pursue my dream of being a college football coach, but it was always something I figured I would eventually come back to.”

Production on the film, entitled A Christmas Story: There’s Always Next Seasons Greetings is scheduled to start in Spring 2025. How will Elko manage being a movie star and a big-time head football coach at the same time? Multi-tasking, he says.

“Warner Bros has been really supportive during this whole process. They’re just excited to re-boot the franchise, so they offering maximum flexibility to do shoots on-location here in College Station, during practices, during workouts, you name it. Football and holiday cheer, all at once? Does it get any better than that,” Elko concluded.

“We’re looking at some things, maybe an electric fence that automatically deploys as soon as the clock strikes zero,” said North Carolina’s Director of Field & Turf Conditions Nate Bloomfield. “What little research I’ve done on the matter indicates that those are effective against wolves, so that’s what we’re trying first.”

“Not to get too medieval,” said Kelly Anderson, Ohio State’s Director of Competitive Surfaces, “but we’re looking at some kind of spiked, metal thong-like device, almost like a chastity belt for the field. Something like that to protect the logo’s virtue from those Michigan Men could work.”

“Do we even still have a team?” Asked Florida State’s Facilities & Equipment Manager Scott Addison.

“Until Jimbo’s buyout is done, we’re on a budget freeze. The Longhorns can do whatever they want to the field,” said Texas A&M’s Head of Stadium Conditions Kevin Dunmeister.

“It’s like an escape room or one of those fake surf parks, but just for us Aggies,” said owner/operator Kevin Carswell in the launch announcement video on Facebook.

The new facility, called Aggietopia, offers an immersive experience complete with an Apple Vision Pro and Sonos surround sound. Fans can virtually enjoy the full game day schedule: from a tailgate (with real brisket smoke piped into the VR room), their own set of horns to saw off, a 40-minute walk to their seats in the stadium, and a 3.5-hour guaranteed win over arch rival Texas, including media timeouts and a 20-minute halftime. Carswell appears to have thought of everything when developing the vision for Aggietopia.

“We know these fans will pay $1,000 or more to watch this team go 8-4…we’re betting they’ll be willing to open up their wallets for a taste of something even better,” concluded Carswell.

“Right now, the price tag to get rid of him is somewhere between the gross domestic product of Tuvalu and Nauru,” said one booster on the condition of anonymity. “As soon as we sink under the GDP of the smallest country in the world, he’s out of here.”

Our source continued, “If economic forecasts hold, we’re looking at right after the 2026 season. UNLESS the Tuvalun fisherman have a really good catch this season, in which case it could be as early as next year,” our source said.

“I mean, look what happened to A&M? If they’d have waited a year or so and gotten that $77 million number down to something respectable—i.e. something less than the entire economic output of a tiny Pacific Ocean nation—would they really have been the laughing stock of college football? We don’t think so, and so that’s why we’re going to wait,” our source concluded.

“It’s going to be total chaos,” said Middle East historian and Pulitzer Prize-winning author Lawrence Wright via Cisco Webex early this morning.

“We’ve seen this a hundred times: when a strongman like Saban or Saddam exerts control of a region, no one’s happy, but at least we all know what to expect, and that’s total domination, total control.”

“When that regime is toppled, there’s a power vacuum that has to be filled. In college football terms, that means resurgent 5-5 Florida knocks off CFP-allergic Ole Miss, 5-5 Oklahoma makes Alabama look like its squarely in the middle of the Mike Shula era, and Auburn plays with a newfound sense of confidence knowing its overlord rival no longer has a monopoly on power. And Texas A&M, of course, reverts to the mean it knows so well: 8-4,” Wright exclaimed.

What happens next? Anything, says Wright.

“Extremist groups might rise up to seize control, so you might see Vanderbilt start to earn some real respect year-in and year-out. You might see Florida actually turn things around. Missouri might unleash the power of the Ozark tiger. Anything is possible, and we might not like the future we get, even though we all wanted it—except for Alabama fans, of course,” Wright concluded.

“Still believe coach is thinking about anything other than November 30th?” the post from Thumbs Up Cakes & Pastries quipped.

“Please, please, PLEASE Aggies, don’t let the sips beat us against Auburn or ruin any more little girls’ birthday parties!” one Instagram user commented.

Elko’s daughter Lauren wasn’t made available for comment, but reportedly wasn’t too upset about the snafu, as there were no cake leftovers at the conclusion of the shindig, and there allegedly exists a shared iOS photo album from the event which includes several pictures of her smiling.

Regardless, it’s one more indication that Elko and the Aggies are singularly focused on preparing for the Texas Longhorns in the regular season finale next weekend.

Search history from the football team’s tablet revealed queries for “interships College Station,” “what is code switching?,” “how to throw a football better,” and “why are we here,” among other things.

“He’s a curious young man,” said Daniel Roberts, A&M’s Associate Director of Information. “He’s learning, he’s coming into his own. He’s probably not going to be playing football much longer, so he’s just trying to figure it all out right now, and we support that,” said Roberts.

“A lot of people don’t know this, but in addition to the $75 million buyout, one of the stipulations of the Fisher termination was that he return the imaginary national championship plaque we gave him when his tenure started,” said one Texas A&M booster on the condition of anonymity.

“Which is great, because we left the last two digits open, so the only thing that actually needed to be changed was the name,” he continued.

“Beating LSU just solidifies this program’s trajectory. We figured, why wait?” Our source concluded.