“2003, 2004, those are both vacant, so that’s low-hanging fruit,” said Cletus Beauregard, Bama’s 81-year old team historian via landline telephone interview late on Monday. “We look at it like the college football version of squatter’s rights. We’re basically telling the rest of the college football world: ‘Do something about it,’” Beauregard exclaimed.

The full list of newly claimed titles was shared with CFB News Now via fax and can be found below. Notes not appearing in quotations are CFB News Now’s:

• 1897 (A season in which the Crimson Tide played only one game)
• 1955 (Bama went 0-10 that season, but Beauregard notes—without citation—that the official record represents a typographical error in which the wins and losses were simply transposed)
• 1957 (One of Auburn’s two national championship-winning seasons; Beauregard simply noted, “Roll Damn Tide,” next to the year)
• 1966 (Coincidentally the same year Beauregard graduated from Bama)
• 1969 (No reasoning provided)
• 1977 (“Bear deserved a three-peat at some point, doggone it.”)
• 2003 (The first of two consecutive titles vacated by USC; Bama went 4-9 that season and missed a bowl game entirely)
• 2004 (The second of two vacated USC championships; Bama went 6-6 that season)
• 2010 (Auburn’s other national championship season; “Cam Newton doesn’t count,” Beauregard noted)
• 2021 (Beauregard notes that the Crimson Tide beat the eventual national champion Georgia Bulldogs in the SEC Championship game, and thus, through transitive logic, should also be awarded at least a share of the title)

When asked how the new national championship seasons would be displayed within the stadium amongst an already crowded row of 18 other somewhat legitimate titles, Beauregard said simply, “That’s a question for the facilities manager.”

“The pinky promise is something we tested a little bit earlier in the year, with good results,” said Assistant Athletic Director in charge of Communications Cody Worsham via Cisco Webex early Wednesday morning.

“It was just a small sample size when we ran it in the spring, but when combined with a verbal, ‘No takesie backsies,’ and four or five seconds of raised-brow eye contact, we saw marked improvements in student athlete retention rates.”

When asked if the juvenile promise gesture would be paired with any kind of NIL budget expansion or facility upgrades, Worsham deferred.

“That’s above my pay grade. I can tell you this, we’re hoping some big changes start with the littlest fingers,” Worsham concluded.

“Right now, the price tag to get rid of him is somewhere between the gross domestic product of Tuvalu and Nauru,” said one booster on the condition of anonymity. “As soon as we sink under the GDP of the smallest country in the world, he’s out of here.”

Our source continued, “If economic forecasts hold, we’re looking at right after the 2026 season. UNLESS the Tuvalun fisherman have a really good catch this season, in which case it could be as early as next year,” our source said.

“I mean, look what happened to A&M? If they’d have waited a year or so and gotten that $77 million number down to something respectable—i.e. something less than the entire economic output of a tiny Pacific Ocean nation—would they really have been the laughing stock of college football? We don’t think so, and so that’s why we’re going to wait,” our source concluded.

“FAU could work,” said Lincoln Riley, beleaguered head coach of the USC Trojans. “Good location and low expectations for football and brisket. I’ve already got a line of communication open with the AD there if this thing continues to go sideways.”

“Gus is on track to wind things up at UCF right about the same time I’ll be done in Norman,” said Brent Venables, head coach of the .500 Oklahoma Sooners. “Plus I’m a big Harry Potter guy, so it’ll be nice to be that close to the amusement park.”

“I would have to say FIU tops my list,” said LSU Tigers head coach Brian Kelly. “Miami is such a melting pot, everyone speaks different languages, it’s nice. No need to learn the lingo to try to fit in.”

“Hold on guys, I’m getting another call,” said Sherrone Moore who logged on late. “What’s that,” Moore could be heard saying in the background. “He flipped? YES!” Turning back to the camera to address the group, Moore exclaimed, “Sorry guys, gotta go,” and logged off abruptly.

“Lincoln is realizing just how difficult it is to actually build a winning program from the ground up, rather than following a legend. If it wasn’t clear early on, sitting here today at 4-5 in year three, it is now,” our source explained.

It seems that Riley fully intends to reprise his role as head coach, but only after someone else returns the USC program to its historically dominant form.

“He knows he can win, if he inherits a great situation, just like OU. So, he’s looking for any possible way to get USC back to that great situation so he can take things from there.”

Riley suggested that USC Athletic Director Jennifer Cohen reach out to former Oklahoma Sooners head coach Bob Stoops to gauge his interest in spelling the beleaguered coach in Los Angeles.