“My Dearest Crimson Tide,” the letter opened, “You are everything we could ever want in a CFP contender.”

“You’ve been going through some tough times recently, we get that: there was the surprise at Vanderbilt, whatever happened at Tennessee, and that disaster in Norman, Oklahoma most recently. Things haven’t exactly gone to plan this season.”

“Still, we just can’t quit you,” the letter went on, “and the thought of going through an entire playoff cycle—an expanded one, no less!—without hearing that Ryan Williams is only 17 years old at least fifty times (will he be 18 by then?) is just too much to bear.”

“At the end of the day, we’ve been through a lot together. It was never about Nick, it was alway YOU!!! From Tua relieving Hurts to Devonta Smith’s dismantling of Ohio State…even those tough losses to Clemson. It just wouldn’t be a CFP without you. (We would have put you higher, probably closer to where SMU is at, but we didn’t want anyone to get suspicious, hopefully you’re okay with that.)”

“You could have a hundred losses,” the group note—apparently compiled in Canva—concluded, “and you would still win our hearts.”

“It’s going to be total chaos,” said Middle East historian and Pulitzer Prize-winning author Lawrence Wright via Cisco Webex early this morning.

“We’ve seen this a hundred times: when a strongman like Saban or Saddam exerts control of a region, no one’s happy, but at least we all know what to expect, and that’s total domination, total control.”

“When that regime is toppled, there’s a power vacuum that has to be filled. In college football terms, that means resurgent 5-5 Florida knocks off CFP-allergic Ole Miss, 5-5 Oklahoma makes Alabama look like its squarely in the middle of the Mike Shula era, and Auburn plays with a newfound sense of confidence knowing its overlord rival no longer has a monopoly on power. And Texas A&M, of course, reverts to the mean it knows so well: 8-4,” Wright exclaimed.

What happens next? Anything, says Wright.

“Extremist groups might rise up to seize control, so you might see Vanderbilt start to earn some real respect year-in and year-out. You might see Florida actually turn things around. Missouri might unleash the power of the Ozark tiger. Anything is possible, and we might not like the future we get, even though we all wanted it—except for Alabama fans, of course,” Wright concluded.

“This is high-level math we’re talking about here,” said Chalmers’ dissertation advisor Belinda Montreal in a telephone interview this morning. “With sixteen teams, no divisions, and South Carolina playing like Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde, really at this stage, anything is possible.”

“There’s the potential for an eight-way tie, there’s the possibility that the top-ranked teams both miss out on the championship game. There’s a non-zero chance the Texas students protest when they learn they’ve been left out. Who knows where this thing is headed.”

Chalmers’ dissertation concluded that Vanderbilt had the best chances of making the SEC championship game, appearing in the finale in an astounding 81% of scenarios. When asked how this was possible, Montreal responded, “It would take too long to explain. But you can trust us, the math works out.”

“We thought it was an aberration when he was at New Mexico State, but now at Vandy, too? He has, in one way or another, antagonized every citizen of the great state of Alabama,” said Chris Inabinett, Director of Alabama’s Bureau of Investigation. “He’s a menace, and he must be dealt with.”

“We take what happens on the grid iron very seriously here,” said Inabinett, “And nobody, I mean NOBODY, ends their career undefeated to Alabama programs. It’s just unheard of.”

“Is it a crime what he’s done to the football teams of this state?” Inabinett continued. “ABI doesn’t comment on ongoing investigations, but I can tell you this: it’s serious enough that it warrants further inquiry. I’m not saying he’s our top priority right now, but we have long memories ’round here. I can simply say he’s a person of interest, and we’re looking into what prosecutorial remedies might exist to bring him to justice,” concluded the ABI’s top cop.

“He’s really worked hard since being here at Vanderbilt, and it’s showing. This is a huge milestone in his development,” Lea told reporters.

When asked what’s made the biggest difference in Pavia’s ability to only pee in toilets, Lea mentioned a number of factors.

“Well, we used a mix of positive reinforcement techniques. At first, we said, ‘Hey, you make it through an away game without having an accident, you get a treat,’ etc. It took a little while, but I mean, credit to him for putting in the work. The light came on, and now the sky’s the limit.”

Lea continued, “We haven’t had any issues in a couple of months now, so at this point, we’re ready to say we really trust him.”

“We thought there would be a clear stand-out by this point in the season, but there just isn’t,” Whalen declared during an impromptu Zoom call earlier in the day.

“Jalen Milroe had it locked up after Georgia, but then Vanderbilt happened. Quinn Ewers had his moment, but it seems that Michigan had replaced its roster entirely with players from Ann Arbor High School, so that one’s out. We like Gabriel, but he doesn’t play for Oklahoma anymore, so he doesn’t qualify. There’s just nowhere for us to turn, at this point.”

When reminded that the trophy didn’t have to go to a quarterback, Whalen seemed puzzled. “Huh…are you sure? That doesn’t sound right.”

The line, as published by VegasInsider, moved 23 points and now sits at Texas -18.5.

VegasInsider Senior reporter Patrick Everson confirmed the shift, and speculated that the move could only be attributed to the fact that Texas is no longer ranked #1.

“After what happened with #1 ranked Bama earlier this season, the smart money really liked the Commodores against the Horns. But only if they brought that #1 ranking into Nashville,” Everson commented.

“Diego Pavia hasn’t been shy about expressing his religious beliefs,” Everson continued, “and when we reached out earlier to see if he still felt God would guide him against the #5—rather than #1—ranked Longhorns, he wouldn’t comment. This is a huge red flag for Vanderbilt.”