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February 22, 2025
Austin, Texas – Steve Sarkisian announced the cancellation of the annual Orange-White spring game earlier this week in addition to other anti-poaching measures he was instituting in anticipation of a raucous spring transfer portal window opening in April.
“We’re just not going to endanger our Longhorns like that,” Sarkisian said via remote Zoom interview early Saturday morning.
“And this is Texas, after all, so we’re busting out the big guns, literally,” Sarkisian said holding up an AR-15 to the laptop camera. The burnt orange weapon was emblazoned with a Longhorn logo on the handle.
The task force, known as the Bovine Guardians, were made famous by their defense of the world’s loan remaining Northern White Rhino. Now, they’ll be protecting a completely different kind of horned creature, a task of similar importance to Longhorn faithful across the state.
“Those guys are seasoned veterans, they know what to do. We basically said, ‘Hey, keep an eye on any suspicious traffic you see coming down I-35, especially from the north.’ We wouldn’t put it past the Sooners to send confederates down here to try to snag some of the young or sick amongst our herd. I mean, remember Brenen and Casey Thompson?” Sarkisian concluded emphatically.
A call to Texas A&M head coach Mike Elko went unanswered, but was followed up shortly thereafter with text message which read, “You know, there’s one other thing they could do to prevent poaching: saw ’em off. #gigem,” Elko said succinctly.
