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January 26, 2025
Columbus, Ohio – With the dust settled from Ohio State’s magnificent 2024 national championship run, it seems Ryan Day & Co. are turning to unorthodox measures to get one giant wolverine-shaped monkey off their backs going into the 2025 college football season: the controversial “severance” procedure.
“He’s just got too much baggage around that game at this point,” one Ohio State staffer told CFB News Now via Google Hangouts on the condition of anonymity. “He’s beaten basically everyone else: Oregon, Penn State, both UTs. But the Michigan nut has been a tough one to crack, forgive the pun. Coach is a huge fan of the show, and this just seemed like the perfect opportunity to finally get over the hump against his rival.”
The procedure, based loosely on the hit Apple television show of the same name, is theoretically possible, said neuroscientist Theodore Schwartz via LinkedIn messages on Saturday.
“It could work, and effectively would create an entirely new person—Day’s ‘innie,’ if you will—who would enter the Big House with no knowledge of Michigan’s four-game streak—or it’s accompanying mental edge—over Ohio State. So long as the procedure doesn’t completely sever Day’s knowledge of the game, I think it’s a novel idea worth considering,” Schwartz concluded.
It’s not clear whether Day or Day’s innie—Ryan D.—will be credited as having coached the game, nor how Day’s innie might react to his unnaturally dark beard, but our source on the Ohio State staff said it’s worth the gamble.
“He’s got a natty in the bag, okay. All that’s left is to get some dubs going against TTUN. And, what else can I say: desperate times call for desperate measures,” our source concluded.
